Journey Into Aurora
by 50bestfriends
Summary: Bella remains devastated after Edward's New Moon departure, but she functions.  She has a life just like Edward wanted. Edward's unable to control his blood lust when he returns after years of struggling to get back to Bella.  There will be angst and hea.
1. Just Me And My Boys

Thanks to Pinenapple and Dances with Vampires for their selfless acts to beta and MrsSadhbhPattinson for all you do.

All things Twilight belong to Stephanie Meyers. This is only fanfiction and no copyright infringement is intended.

This story has angst with hope. I am a believer in love and happy endings, especially for B & E. This is Rated MA for profanity, sexually explicit language, abortion and any other reason as deemed necessary.

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CHAPTER 1 – JUST ME AND MY GUYS

_Free_ _At_ _Last_ from the Tony Award winning musical "Big River"

_I wish by golly I could spread my wings and fly_

_And let my grounded soul be free for just a little while_

_To be like eagles when they ride upon the wind_

_And taste the sweetest taste of freedom for my soul_

Another message blinked on my cell phone. It was from my dad. I wasn't ignoring him - I loved him - I just didn't want to talk to him, because I was being forced to do something I vowed I'd never do again. Well, forced wasn't exactly the right word. I was being manipulated.

I was his only child and I hadn't spent much time with him since the day I graduated from high school. We had a telephone relationship, which wasn't very demanding or verbose. We had short conversations, nothing too deep or personal. Once we said the casual how-are-you and glad-you're-alive, silence filled the air. We seldom hugged or expressed our feelings – we shared a mutual awkwardness with such things.

I wasn't concerned that he was persistent and unusually excited, because I knew why he was calling. Charlie, my dad, was as consistent as brown gravy and just as comforting. He called every year around the same time in hopes of changing my living situation and getting me to come home. I didn't see it as a bad omen that he had finally trapped me into a visit to Forks for my twenty-fourth birthday.

I hated my birthday. It marred my adulthood, a reminder of something so distressing that I didn't think about. Charlie didn't understand how much I hated my birthday. He sent cards and gifts; he sang _Happy Birthday to You _over the phone. He _wanted_ to celebrate. This year, he made plans and expected me to participate

I hoped everything would be fine and tried not to be pessimistic. I wasn't certain where I found a slight tinge of impractical optimism when I agreed to celebrate my birthday. I hadn't had a happy birthday since I turned seventeen and I tried to forget each one since my eighteenth. That was the year I was broken, left in the woods, no longer wanted. I didn't think about that – _it wasn't time_.

"Hey Ch – Dad" My phone rang again. "I know why you're calling and yes, we'll be there on Friday next." I held the phone in the crook of my neck. My dad wasn't the only one looking forward to the trip to Forks. In fact, all the men in my life were happy about our vacation.

"Good, I've got plenty of fishing to do with that grandson of mine and I can't wait for you to cook our catch."

My dad was an avid fisher and fishing came second only to his love for sports. He never had a son and his uncoordinated daughter couldn't walk straight on smooth surfaces without tripping.

"Dad, he can barely tie his shoelaces, I'm not sure he's ready to bait a hook." I looked down at the brown haired boy curled up on my lap as he played with his matchbox red Ferrari. He had my dad's curly hair and sense of fairness and thankfully, he didn't inherent my clumsiness.

"That's what granddads are for, Bells."

"Well, I'll let the two of you figure it out, then."

"You bet we will. So how long are you guys staying? You know HeritageFestivalWeek starts the day you arrive."

The event was in its fifth year of celebrating the heritage of the Quileute Nation. Heritage Festival Week coincided with my birthday. I believed it was no happenstance, that my best friend Jacob Black had obviously had a hand in picking the dates. He hoped that I'd come home during the bane of my year, a ready distraction.

I wasn't involved in the planning of the trip, but somehow Charlie convinced Garrett, my boyfriend to handle the particulars. Between my dad, Jacob, Garrett and my son, I was outnumbered. I held my breath.

"We're staying the entire week, Dad." _Forks! A whole week._ It would be miserable. My hand stroked the chestnut curls of Tiger's head.

"That's good." Charlie didn't say why he thought it was good, but I knew. His unspoken thoughts were obvious. I was more prone to emotional breakdowns around my birthday and it would be good for me to create new memories.

I wanted Tiger and Charlie to know each other. That's why I agreed to go to Forks. It would be a long trip for Tiger, but he had boundless energy, enough to keep me focused on him, instead of a reunion with my memories.

"We're renting a car at the airport, so we'll meet you at the house around five."

"Okay. Sounds great!"

"Dad?"

"Yeah, Bells?"

"We'll see you soon." The words hung in the air with unspoken sentiment – it would be good to see him.

"Bye, Bells."

I clicked the 'end' button and tossed the phone on the table beside the brown couch we sat on. We were both dressed for bed, Tiger in his favorite Diego pajama shorts - no shirt because 'Daddy doesn't sleep in shirts - and me in a spaghetti strap cotton nightgown. It was a fall evening in Los Angeles, which meant it was scorching hot even at 8:30.

"You ready for bed, Tiger?" I gave him a kiss on the forehead and tickled his sides. He giggled and I couldn't help but laugh too. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek. He was nothing like his parents; he easily expressed his emotions.

"Mom, can't I stay up and wait for Daddy?" It was the same question every night.

"Not tonight. Daddy won't be home for at least six Diego shows and that's long after you're supposed to be asleep." He didn't have a good sense of time except when it came to his favorite television show. . .the only one he was allowed to watch at least.

"Aw man! Why's he always at work?" He leaned his head to the side, stuck out his bottom lip and threw his tiny hands up in the air and landed on his lap. To a four-year-old, 'always' meant now.

"Tonight's the last night he has to work late and guess what happens tomorrow?"

"What?" His chocolate brown eyes sparkled with excitement.

"He won't work tomorrow and you'll spend the whole day with your dad."

"Just me and my dad?" A wide jubilant smile appeared as he bounced up and down on my lap.

"Yes, just Tiger and Daddy."

His excitement and smile were contagious. He would be a heartbreaker just like his dad. _Heartbreaker. Just a metaphor, Bella._ It wasn't time yet. It was difficult to hold myself together in front of Tiger, but I did. Tiger didn't like to see me cry and he had bad memories of a particularly awful breakdown. I wouldn't put him through that again.

"'Man time,' Daddy calls it. Are you going to miss us? Cause mommies can't come."

"Yes. But don't worry about me, you'll have so much fun and you can bring me back something special. Okay?"

"Okay. Can you give me something special?" His eyes were framed with thick eyelashes that made it impossible to deny him anything. He was a beautiful child.

"You know I always have something special just for you. What will it be? Hmm? Special kisses? Special hugs? Special. . .I know, special tickles!" He leapt from my lap and sprinted to his bedroom. I followed closely behind.

Tiger flew under the Los Angeles Dodgers baseball comforter on his bed. "I've got some special tickles to give," I said teasingly. I pulled back the comforter and tickled him.

"Thank you!" He yelled our code word to stop.

"You're welcome. Now, what are we reading tonight?"

"You know!" He rolled his twinkling eyes and passed me the book that was on the corner of the night stand, the same book I read whenever his daddy was away, _Just Me and My Dad._ The next night he'd listen to _Just Me and My Mom _because I'd be away.

I kissed my sleeping tiger on the cheek and closed his bedroom door, relieved that I held myself together for another night.

The tears fell daily until about three years ago, when I learned to hold myself together for up to thirty days. It wasn't easy. I hoped it wouldn't take ten years to rid myself of the emotional turmoil caused by – no, it wasn't time.

I walked into the living room and picked up my laptop, to work on an assignment for school. I was in my final semester of college. I had Tiger at the end of my freshman year and that plus changing my major from English to Education put me on the six year track to graduation. I had finally completed enough coursework to graduate mid-term, if I passed my last two online classes. I reviewed the grading rubric and edited my senior thesis. I don't know when I fell asleep, but I woke up to gentle kisses on my cheek.

"Hey Sleeping Beauty," Garrett whispered.

"Where've you been?"

"You know." He touched my arm, continuing to kiss me along my jaw line.

"You left me." My voice was thick with pain and sleep.

"I never left, Swan."

I felt his warm lips on my cheeks and my eyes popped open to Garrett. His blue eyes were full of hurt as he realized I hadn't been fully awake.

"Oh, Garrett," I murmured. I attempted to cover for my semi-conscious error and reached out to touch him. He leaned away and frowned. Garrett was patient with me and didn't believe my monthly emotional problem was permanent. After six years of being together, his patience waned, but we didn't talk about it. He was too reserved to express his hurt and anger.

It's said that women pick men just like their fathers and, in some ways, Garrett was just like my dad. They both enjoyed sports and fishing, reserved in their affections, often unsure whether they had a right to feel. Most times they went with the flow, but they were very opinionated when it came to doing the right thing, the safe thing.

"Good thing we have 'man time' tomorrow." He turned his six foot two muscled frame away from me and walked into the kitchen. I could tell from the tone of his words that he was ready to give up. He was never reserved with his wise cracks, another thing he had in common with my dad.

"Yeah, Tiger is looking forward to it. He's made me read the book every night this week." I walked over to Garrett and stroked his arm. "I'm sorry, it'll be better when I come back."_Shit, I did it again_. I couldn't help it. It wasn't time and I couldn't control it.

"Yeah, I know Swan. You just caught me off guard."

"Me too." He knew the story, but we wouldn't talk about it. No, we wouldn't. It wasn't time yet.

I took his plate from his hands and placed it in the microwave to warm the spaghetti he'd found in the refrigerator. "Let me do it." I cooked earlier and added a salad for him. We sat at the table; I listened while he ate and told me about his long day at work and the people he had helped.

It was Garrett's last year of residency and we'd move to Georgia as soon as he was done. We met my first day in college; he pursued me relentlessly, if you can call it a pursuit. He always seemed to be around and he was easy to talk to. After nearly a month, he asked me out. One thing led to another and somehow, not long after that first date, Tiger was born. Garrett gave so much more than I could, and was satisfied with me. He loved me and I didn't understand it, but I didn't see how not to love him back.

Swiftly, I cleaned the dishes, picked up my laptop and followed Garrett to bed. It had been a long day and the next would be even longer. I would leave by six in order to. . .no, I didn't think about that. . .it wasn't time yet.

Garrett was already in bed. He motioned for me to come to him. Without hesitation, I dumped my laptop, turned out the light, and surrendered to his warm arms. It was easy. Garrett made it easy.

"You're too good for me, Garrett, I whispered.

"You're too good for me, Swan." He took my arms and wrapped them around his strong neck. He called me by my last name, mainly because his subtle southern drawl always made 'Bella' sound like he was calling hogs while 'Swan' sounded like he was admiring something treasured. I loved his voice. It helped me to focus on the present and I stayed there in his arms, in the now.

I stroked his neck and pulled on his shirt. "I don't know why you wear these to bed."

"I like that you take off my clothes." He stretched his muscled arms out of his t-shirt. I caressed his arms as he reached around my waist. I rested my hands around his shoulders pulling him closer so I could place kisses along his chin. Our lips met in an open-mouthed kiss, warm deep and passionate. His hand reached under my shirt, smoothing up my back and then to my breast.

I sighed away the stress of our tiff as his tongue danced in my mouth greedily while his hand tickled the hardening nipples of my breast. There was nothing else for me at this moment, as I caressed the nape of his neck with one hand while the other began to fondle his ribbed chest.

There were mutual moans as he readjusted himself to place me astride his lap. I rocked my hips as my nightgown disappeared from my body. It always amazed me how my stomach warmed to the pressure of his manhood.

Garrett didn't move when I got up the next morning. He was tired from all his long hours at work, but he wouldn't be able to sleep in since Tiger would wake him within a few hours. When I was ready to go, I shook him awake.

"I'm leaving."

"Okay. Do you need me to carry your things down?"

"No, I just have my book bag and laptop."

"Call me when you get there."

"Tell Tiger I love him. I'll meet you back here tomorrow morning and you'd better not have on a shirt." He worked out religiously, making his body much too gorgeous to cover.

"Hurry back to me, gorgeous Isabella Swan." I heard Garrett whisper as I closed the door and headed south to the Mohave Desert.

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Garrett and Tiger – I like them! Problem for E&B happily ever after? Yes, but I like them and they aren't _the_ major hurdle. Tell me what you think. It's time.


	2. Is It Time?

The AU is a better place because of selfless betas. Thanks to Dances with Vampires andPinenapple. Thanks to MrsSadhbhPatterson for pre-reading.

This story has angst with hope. The rating is for mature themes, sexually explicit language and any other reason deemed necessary.

Twilighted Beta: SunKing

Twilight is the creative work of Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended by this fangirl.

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CHAPTER 2: IS IT TIME?

_Defying_ _Gravity,_ from the Tony Award musical "Wicked".

_I'm through accepting limits_

'_Cause someone says they're so_

_Some things I cannot change_

_But 'til I try, I'll never know_

_Too long I've been afraid of_

_Losing love, I guess I've lost_

_Well, if that's love_

_It comes at much too high a cost_

It wasn't time yet. That was my mantra, often repeated sometimes daily, more often hourly. It held my world together, more than the love I had for Garrett, more than Tiger's bursting smiles, and more than the reality of my lost love.

It wasn't time yet – that was the key. There was a thick brick wall that kept light from shining on the deep hole in the middle of my chest. The wall was stories tall and miles wide, containing one entrance: a small wooden door with a single lock. It held the darkness. A month ago, I turned that lock, securing the contents for another hour, another day, and another month.

It wasn't time yet. That was my refuge. It was a time certain, a place ascertained, and the only thing to be determined was how much my refuge could hold. Could it withstand unlimited visual reminders, the endless innocent comments, the constant aromas and smells, or the unavoidable tactile contact?

It wasn't time yet.

"Will you need a second room access card?"

I shook my head to the lanky resort manager. I was alone.

I walked out of the resort office. I got in my car and drove to the deserted sand- colored cottage with a large red door.

It wasn't time yet.

My hands shook as I placed the pass card into the slot of the cold metal door. The light blinked green, so I pushed down on the handle and stepped through the door.

It wasn't time yet.

I pressed the 'k' on my phone, and it automatically dialed Garrett.

"Hey, Swan," he sang my name to the tune of some long- forgotten melody. "You made it safely, I see. What's your cottage number?"

"The same, seven." It wasn't time yet, I reminded myself. "How's Tiger?"

"Wonderful, hold on and I'll let you talk to him." I heard him call Tiger to the phone.

"Mommy!" A vision of the brown- headed little boy flashed through my mind as I remembered his smile, bursting with giggles. "Guess what we've done for 'man time' already?"

"What, Tiger?"

"We made donuts, and then we put sprinkles on some of them, but not all. There are chocolate sprinkles and candy sprinkles and vanilla sprinkles, and some of the donuts have frosting and some are naked."

"Naked?"

"Yeah, Mom, you know." He lowered his voice to a loud whisper. "Nothing on them."

"Oh, sounds like you and your dad are having some serious man- time fun."

"Yeah. Daddy says you can come back tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow then. I love you."

"I love you!." Tiger shouted.

I waited for Garrett's voice, but the end signal showed on my cell.

_That boy! _

I pressed the redial button, and Garrett immediately picked up. "Sorry, Swan, I tried to catch him before he hung up."

"It's okay, he does it all the time. Having fun teaching him about naked donuts?" I teased.

"Hey, he's a smart kid, he already knew that."

"Well, have fun with my boy, and call me if you need me."

"We'll be fine, Swan. We'll see you when you get back."

Garrett knew there was little chance I'd be available even two minutes after we hung up the phone. He was on his own, and so was I, for the next twenty hours.

"Love you," he said.

"Love you, too."

I turned the phone off. He wouldn't call. He'd wait for my call.

I slid out of my jeans, and put on a green cotton t-shirt and some running shorts. I didn't run, but they were comfortable. I plugged in my laptop and connected to the Internet. It was time.

I typed the name. I waited for the search to complete. I wouldn't know what to do if I found him anyway. What would I say? _Hey, I'm still in love with you even though you don't want me, and I've got a kid and I'm living with a man. Can we meet for coffee?_

Was I sure I still loved him, though? Did I remember his face? His touch? His name?

Edward. Edward Cullen.

Fifteen seconds later, and there were zero hits on my search. I wasn't surprised. He removed all his profiles and any trace of himself on the web.

It was time.

I allowed my memories to rush back to me. The door in the middle of the thick brick wall was unlocked to the gaping hole in my heart. I looked around my heart. Emptiness. It was bigger than any other part of my heart, the emptiness. The first few months after he left, I waited. I expected him to return, and when he didn't, emptiness sprouted.

My stoic father looked at me differently because I was fragile and catatonic for months. I functioned, but not well. Charlie was scared. I followed his rules. I went to school and ate, everything else was vacant. Emptiness.

My erratic mother despised my zombie life. She attempted a rescue by forcing a week- long slumber party. She disappeared when her friendship wasn't enough. I needed a mother, not a friend.

Then I got mad. He was over one hundred years old, and dated a seventeen- year- old girl. He was obsessive. He damn well should have known better. He toyed with my heart. He said it himself, "I'm sorry I let this go on for as long as I did." He knew he didn't love me, but he led me on. It was heartless of him.

I was even stupid enough to believe that I was unworthy. If I was taller, stronger, and more beautiful, he would've stayed. If I was less clumsy, less dependent, and less human, he would've wanted me. Eventually, my heart wouldn't let me blame him. It wasn't his fault for the heartbreak I felt, or even the things I wasn't.

Then, for years, I was depressed and sad. What should have been the happiest day of my life. . .wasn't. It should have been our baby. I shouldn't have had a child with anyone else. I didn't want children anyway.

No matter how sad or angry I was, the same conclusion surfaced. He was gone.

The emptiness that surrounded my life moved into my heart.

I was ashamed at the size of the pain in my heart. Why hadn't it gotten smaller? Why had it left me so vacant? There was so much emptiness. Love, a baby, and accomplishments were not enough to fill the emptiness.

Not one damn thing filled my heart.

Not my changed name. Not adulthood. Not success. Not sex.

It was hard to believe that I was still so – so broken.

I attended college, met a man, and had a fucking baby. Why wasn't the wound closed? Why was the hurt every bit the same as the day he left?

I was so young, so stupid. I was the stupid little lamb. I fell in love with a masochist, and my love for him has not diminished one bit.

I closed the Internet and opened up the word processor to type.

_**Dear Edward,**_

_**You fucked up.**_

_**All my love forever,**_

_**Bella.**_

I sat there and looked at the one sentence letter and salutation. So few words, and I was still placing the blame on him. I shook my head. He fucked up, but it was my choice how I dealt with it.

I was fine most of the time. Well, most of the time I was nothing, but when I was, I was okay. I was just living. It was not in a bad place. Not in a good one, either. It was just a place and that was okay.

I opened a blank document. I always wrote during my time alone. I hated to delve into words that would send me back into my history to face my pain. But it was the only way I could survive.

"Sometime, you're going to have to stop seeing yourself from behind your own eyes, and see what the rest of us see," Renee, my mother, once told me. I was going to try that.

_**Dear Reflected Self,**_

_**Your birthday is in two weeks. Your father, Garrett, and Tiger want you to have a happy birthday.**_

_**You met Garrett in college your first day there. You weren't going to college, but Charlie made you. **_

_**You were so upset when your senior class English teacher submitted your name to a new scholarship program. You knew it sounded too good to be true, so Edward rigged it, the fucker. He did not want to be in your life, but he wanted to control it. **_

_**Well, you showed him. Didn't you? You went to college and slept with the first guy who showed you a bit of attention. You hadn't planned on having a child. You were headed to the clinic to terminate it, and Garrett showed up. You don't know how he found out about it. All he said was that one of your girlfriends called and told him. You knew it wasn't true. You didn't tell anyone. Why would you? You never told anyone anything, why would you start all of the sudden? No, Edward found out.**_

_**You even sneaked away from Garrett and went to another state, used a different name, only to find out that the clinic was closed. Apparently, it closed for renovations the day before you got there. It was the only one in the entire state! Yeah, too coincidental – it was Edward interfering.**_

_**Seven months later, you were holding the sweet little boy whose eyes sent bursts of sunshine straight to your heart. You knew you had no right to the baby because you tried to kill him, twice. He was always more Garrett's than yours, but you loved him anyway. You chiseled around your heart to give a little baby boy a mother worthy to love.**_

_**Your love for Garrett was unexpected. You recognized the emotion immediately, having experienced it before. You didn't fight against loving Garrett. Why would you?**_

_**That was what Edward wanted. Right? He wanted you to live without him. He wanted you to go on with your life. You did. How would he like these apples?**_

_**You stopped visiting Charlie. It was good to be away from the magic of werewolves and vampires. Unfortunately, you are going back for your birthday, because Garrett insisted that you kept Tiger involved with his grandfather. **_

_**Charlie adores the baby boy. Who wouldn't? **_

_**You don't know why you haven't been able to move forward in your life as sound as other heartbroken people. You think about the psychologist you'd visited and how she walked you through the grieving process. Supposedly, you're in the acceptance stage, and have been there for years.**_

_**None of that has stopped the nightmares, though. Nothing has stopped the hollow feeling in your heart. The gaping wound that's so massively vivid, you can put an airplane through it. All because your grief hasn't been steps imposed by a psychologist, looking to put everyone and every feeling into easily-defined boxes. No, your pain is like peddling in a big circle, never stopping. It's a treadmill - that's how they should see your pain.**_

_**You've had ceremonies, planted trees, fell in love, and had a baby. Still, you know that no matter where you are in your life, you want Edward. **_

_**In some ways you're better off without him, but you still want Edward.**_

_**And in the end, none of it matters. He won't come back to you. You can hope against all hope, but you know it won't happen.**_

_**You even tried to keep Garrett from loving you by lying to him. You only told him once. You know you'll never be able to say it again, there's no need to.**_

_**Those disgusting words that Garrett wanted to know. "If he comes back for you, will you go?" You didn't lie, but you did, you can see that now. **_

_**You couldn't see it until Tiger was in your heart. That's when you recognized Edward's unnecessary lie for what it was. **_

_**Edward didn't want a monster's life for himself. How could he want it for you?**_

_**So you understand why he didn't want you to give up on your human life. But he didn't stay out of your choices, and that really pisses you off. **_

_**Your love for Garrett has nothing to do with Edward, and yet, somehow, you've discovered it has everything to do with Edward. It's the only way you can still feel, by giving Edward something; by making his stupid decision to leave and not love you as of some value. No, Edward doesn't deserve that, but you give it to him anyway.**_

_**By loving Garrett and Tiger, you get to love Edward. But are they worth it, you ask yourself? Of course, you answer without hesitation. **_

_**Are you worth it? You won't answer that, because if you do, then it will negate your love for Garrett and Tiger.**_

_**There are days when you loathe what Edward did, and in those days you love more fiercely. You suffocate them to the hilt, hoping to see happiness.**_

_**But every single day of this life that you fight to live is a lie. You don't want it, but you'll never give it up. You do it because it's the right thing to do, because there's no other choice. **_

_**But then you remember that love's not love, unless it's given. You love because there is so much of your heart that is going unused, and no one should hold in so much love - it has to be given.**_

_**Absurd infidelity. You don't even want to think about the reality of that. Untrue to yourself, Garrett, Edward, and especially to Tiger.**_

_**So once a month you sit alone, far from those who love you, and contemplate death. Not your own, but the death of the future you will never have. **_

_**You've killed it so many times, and each time, somehow it gets put back together and is resurrected in your heart.**_

_**Acceptance. That is where your lost love is. Accepted that it is gone, never going to return. That is not okay.**_

_**You love Edward. Big fucking deal - move on. Where could he ever fit in your life now?**_

_**You made a promise not to do anything reckless, for Charlie's sake. But you did. You let Garrett love you. You had his child, and that was the most reckless thing you could've ever done. **_

_**This is the last time you will ever do this. Tiger doesn't like it when you're away, and quite frankly, neither do you. You're just going to be emotionally handicapped for the rest of your life. **_

_**You've tried to deal with it by taking one day a month to breathe. It doesn't help. You'll never be right. You can't change that.**_

_**You won't be back next month. You won't be back next week. This is it. Edward will always be a part of you, but now he'll be the acknowledged elephant in the room, because you can't hide that part of you and survive any longer. It's probably better this way.**_

I closed the computer after glancing at the clock. As usual, I'd been lost in my grief – I hadn't moved, hadn't eaten, and hadn't used the bathroom. And that was why I was startled when the wake-up call came, having never slept in the bed. Twenty minutes later, I was showered and dressed. I picked up my bags and put them in the car. I drove back to the resort lodge to check-out.

"Ms. Swan, I hope your stay was satisfactory. Would you like the same cottage next month?" asked the dark- skinned young girl with her hair plastered into a pony tail, flowing down her back.

I didn't hesitate. "No."

* * *

**End Notes:**

**Bella has found some strength. **

**The big questions is how's Edward? His point of view begins in chapter three.**

**Reviews get previews.**

A/N – Twilight is the creative work of Stephenie Meyer.

CHAPTER 2: IT'S TIME

_Defying_ _Gravity,_ from the Tony Award musical "Wicked".

_I'm through accepting limits_

_'Cause someone says they're so_

_Some things I cannot change_

_But 'til I try, I'll never know_

_Too long I've been afraid of_

_Losing love, I guess I've lost_

_Well, if that's love_

_It comes at much too high a cost_

It wasn't time yet. That was my mantra, repeated sometimes daily, more often hourly. It held my world together, more than the love I had for Garrett, more than Tiger's bursting smiles, and more than the reality of my lost love.

It wasn't time yet – that was the key. There was a thick brick wall that kept light from shining on the deep hole in the middle of my chest. The wall was stories tall and miles wide, containing one entrance: a small wooden door with a single held the darkness. A month ago, I turned that lock, securing the contents for another hour, another day, and another month.

It wasn't time yet. That was my refuge. It was a time certain, a place ascertained, and the only thing to be determined was how much my refuge could hold. Could it withstand unlimited visual reminders, the endless innocent comments, the constant aromas and smells, or the unavoidable tactile contact?

It wasn't time yet.

"Will you need a second room access card?"

I shook my head to the lanky resort manager. I was alone.

I walked out of the resort office. I got in my car and drove to the deserted sand-colored cottage with a large red door.

It wasn't time yet.

My hands shook as I placed the pass card into the slot of the cold metal door. The light blinked green, so I pushed down on the handle and stepped through the door.

It wasn't time yet.

I pressed the 'k' on my phone, and it automatically dialed Garrett.

"Hey, Swan," he sang my name to the tune of some long-forgotten melody. "You made it safely, I see. What's your cottage number?"

"The same, seven." It wasn't time yet, I reminded myself. "How's Tiger?"

"Wonderful, hold on and I'll let you talk to him." I heard him call Tiger to the phone.

"Mommy!" A vision of the brown-headed little boy flashed through my mind as I remembered his smile, bursting with giggles. "Guess what we've done for 'man time' already?"

"What, Tiger?"

"We made donuts, and then we put sprinkles on some of them, but not all. There are chocolate sprinkles and candy sprinkles and vanilla sprinkles, and some of the donuts have frosting and some are naked."

"Naked?"

"Yeah, Mom, you know." He lowered his voice to a loud whisper. "Nothing on them."

"Oh, sounds like you and your dad are having some serious man-time fun."

"Yeah. Daddy says you can come back tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow then. I love you."

"I love you!" Tiger shouted.

I waited for Garrett's voice, but the end signal showed on my cell.

_That boy! _

I pressed the redial button, and Garrett immediately picked up. "Sorry, Swan, I tried to catch him before he hung up."

"It's okay, he does it all the time. Having fun teaching him about naked donuts?" I teased.

"Hey, he's a smart kid, he already knew that."

"Well, have fun with my boy, and call me if you need me."

"We'll be fine, Swan. We'll see you when you get back."

Garrett knew there was little chance I'd be available even two minutes after we hung up the phone. He was on his own, and so was I, for the next twenty hours.

"Love you," he said.

"Love you, too."

I turned the phone off. He wouldn't call. He'd wait for my call.

I slid out of my jeans, and put on a green cotton t-shirt and some running shorts. I didn't run, but they were comfortable. I plugged in my laptop and connected to the Internet. It was time.

I typed the name. I waited for the search to complete. I wouldn't know what to do if I found him anyway. What would I say? _Hey, I'm still in love with you even though you don't want me, and I've got a kid and I'm living with a man. Can we meet for coffee?_

Was I sure I still loved him, though? Did I remember his face? His touch? His name?

Edward. Edward Cullen.

Fifteen seconds later, and there were zero hits on my search. I wasn't surprised. He removed all his profiles and any trace of himself on the web.

It was time.

I allowed my memories to rush back to me. The door in the middle of the thick brick wall was unlocked to the gaping hole in my heart. I looked around my heart. Emptiness. It was bigger than any other part of my heart, the emptiness. The first few months after he left, I waited. I expected him to return, and when he didn't, emptiness sprouted.

My stoic father looked at me differently because I was fragile and catatonic for months. I functioned, but not well. Charlie was scared. I followed his rules. I went to school and ate, everything else was vacant. Emptiness.

My erratic mother despised my zombie life. She attempted a rescue by forcing a week-long slumber party. She disappeared when her friendship wasn't enough. I needed a mother, not a friend.

Then I got mad. He was over one hundred years old, and dated a seventeen-year-old girl. He was obsessive. He damn well should have known better. He toyed with my heart. He said it himself, "I'm sorry I let this go on for as long as I did." He knew he didn't love me, but he led me on. It was heartless of him.

I was even stupid enough to believe that I was unworthy. If I was taller, stronger, and more beautiful, he would've stayed. If I was less clumsy, less dependent, and less human, he would've wanted me. Eventually, my heart wouldn't let me blame him. It wasn't his fault for the heartbreak I felt, or even the things I wasn't.

Then, for years, I was depressed and sad. What should have been the happiest day of my life . . .wasn't. It should have been our baby. I shouldn't have had a child with anyone else. I didn't want children anyway.

No matter how sad or angry I was, the same conclusion surfaced. He was gone.

The emptiness that surrounded my life moved into my heart.

I was ashamed at the size of the pain in my heart. Why hadn't it gotten smaller? Why had it left me so vacant? There was so much emptiness. Love, a baby, and accomplishments were not enough to fill the emptiness.

Not one damn thing filled my heart.

Not my changed name. Not adulthood. Not success. Not sex.

It was hard to believe that I was still so – so broken.

I attended college, met a man, and had a fucking baby. Why wasn't the wound closed? Why was the hurt every bit the same as the day he left?

I was so young, so stupid. I was the stupid little lamb. I fell in love with a masochist, and my love for him has not diminished one bit.

I closed the Internet and opened up the word processor to type.

**_Dear Edward,_**

**_You fucked up._**

**_All my love forever,_**

**_Bella._**

I sat there and looked at the one sentence letter and salutation. So few words, and I was still placing the blame on him. I shook my head. He fucked up, but it was my choice how I dealt with it.

I was fine most of the time. Well, most of the time I was nothing, but when I was, I was okay. I was just living. It was not in a bad place. Not in a good one, either. It was just a place and that was okay.

I opened a blank document. I always wrote during my time alone. I hated to delve into words that would send me back into my history to face my pain. But it was the only way I could survive.

"Sometime, you're going to have to stop seeing yourself from behind your own eyes, and see what the rest of us see," Renee, my mother, once told me. I was going to try that.

**Dear Reflected Self,**

**Your birthday is in two weeks. Your father, Garrett, and Tiger want you to have a happy birthday.**

**You met Garrett in college your first day there. You weren't going to college, but Charlie made you. **

**You were so upset when your senior class English teacher submitted your name to a new scholarship program. You knew it sounded too good to be true, so Edward rigged it, the fucker. He did not want to be in your life, but he wanted to control it. **

**Well, you showed him. Didn't you? You went to college and slept with the first guy who showed you a bit of attention. You hadn't planned on having a child. You were headed to the clinic to terminate it, and Garrett showed up. You don't know how he found out about it. All he said was that one of your girlfriends called and told him. You knew it wasn't true. You didn't tell anyone. Why would you? You never told anyone anything, why would you start all of the sudden? No, Edward found out.**

**You even sneaked away from Garrett and went to another state, used a different name, only to find out that the clinic was closed. Apparently, it closed for renovations the day before you got there. It was the only one in the entire state! Yeah, too coincidental – it was Edward interfering.**

**Seven months later, you were holding the sweet little boy whose eyes sent bursts of sunshine straight to your heart. You knew you had no right to the baby because you tried to kill him, twice. He was always more Garrett's than yours, but you loved him anyway. You chiseled around your heart to give a little baby boy a mother worthy to love.**

**Your love for Garrett was unexpected. You recognized the emotion immediately, having experienced it before. You didn't fight against loving Garrett. Why would you?**

**That was what Edward wanted. Right? He wanted you to live without him. He wanted you to go on with your life. You did. How would he like these apples?**

**You stopped visiting Charlie. It was good to be away from the magic of werewolves and vampires. Unfortunately, you are going back for your birthday, because Garrett insisted that you kept Tiger involved with his grandfather. **

**Charlie adores the baby boy. Who wouldn't? **

**You don't know why you haven't been able to move forward in your life as sound as other heartbroken people. You think about the psychologist you'd visited and how she walked you through the grieving process. Supposedly, you're in the acceptance stage, and have been there for years.**

**None of that has stopped the nightmares, though. Nothing has stopped the hollow feeling in your heart. The gaping wound that's so massively vivid, you can put an airplane through it. All because your grief hasn't been steps imposed by a psychologist, looking to put everyone and every feeling into easily-defined boxes. No, your pain is like peddling in a big circle, never stopping. It's a treadmill - that's how they should see your pain.**

**You've had ceremonies, planted trees, fell in love, and had a baby. Still, you know that no matter where you are in your life, you want Edward. **

**In some ways you're better off without him, but you still want Edward.**

**And in the end, none of it matters. He won't come back to you. You can hope against all hope, but you know it won't happen.**

**You even tried to keep Garrett from loving you by lying to him. You only told him once. You know you'll never be able to say it again, there's no need to.**

**Those disgusting words that Garrett wanted to know. "If he comes back for you, will you go?" You didn't lie, but you did, you can see that now. **

**You couldn't see it until Tiger was in your heart. That's when you recognized Edward's unnecessary lie for what it was. **

**Edward didn't want a monster's life for himself. How could he want it for you?**

**So you understand why he didn't want you to give up on your human life. But he didn't stay out of your choices, and that really pisses you off. **

**Your love for Garrett has nothing to do with Edward, and yet, somehow, you've discovered it has everything to do with Edward. It's the only way you can still feel, by giving Edward something; by making his stupid decision to leave and not love you as of some value. No, Edward doesn't deserve that, but you give it to him anyway.**

**By loving Garrett and Tiger, you get to love Edward. But are they worth it, you ask yourself? Of course, you answer without hesitation.**

**Are you worth it? You won't answer that, because if you do, then it will negate your love for Garrett and Tiger.**

**There are days when you loathe what Edward did, and in those days you love more fiercely. You suffocate them to the hilt, hoping to see happiness.**

**But every single day of this life that you fight to live is a lie. You don't want it, but you'll never give it up. You do it because it's the right thing to do, because there's no other choice. **

**But then you remember that love's not love, unless it's given. You love because there is so much of your heart that is going unused, and no one should hold in so much love - it has to be given.**

**Absurd infidelity. You don't even want to think about the reality of that. Untrue to yourself, Garrett, Edward, and especially to Tiger.**

**So once a month you sit alone, far from those who love you, and contemplate death. Not your own, but the death of the future you will never have. **

**You've killed it so many times, and each time, somehow it gets put back together and is resurrected in your heart.**

**Acceptance. That is where your lost love is. Accepted that it is gone, never going to return. That is not okay.**

**You love Edward. Big fucking deal - move on. Where could he ever fit in your life now?**

**You made a promise not to do anything reckless, for Charlie's sake. But you did. You let Garrett love you. You had his child, and that was the most reckless thing you could've ever done. **

**This is the last time you will ever do this. Tiger doesn't like it when you're away, and quite frankly, neither do you. You're just going to be emotionally handicapped for the rest of your life. **

**You've tried to deal with it by taking one day a month to breathe. It doesn't help. You'll never be right. You can't change that.**

**You won't be back next month. You won't be back next week. This is it. Edward will always be a part of you, but now he'll be the acknowledged elephant in the room, because you can't hide that part of you and survive any longer. It's probably better this way.**

I closed the computer after glancing at the clock. As usual, I'd been lost in my grief – I hadn't moved, hadn't eaten, and hadn't used the bathroom. And that was why I was startled when the wake-up call came, having never slept in the bed. Twenty minutes later, I was showered and dressed. I picked up my bags and put them in the car. I drove back to the resort lodge to check-out.

"Ms. Swan, I hope your stay was satisfactory. Would you like the same cottage next month?" asked the dark-skinned young girl with her hair plastered into a ponytail, flowing down her back.

I didn't hesitate. "No."


	3. The Journal

Thanks to Pinenapple and Dances with Vampires for their selfless acts to beta and MrsSadhbhPattinson for all you do with pre-reading.

All things Twilight belong to Stephanie Meyers. This is only fanfiction and no copyright infringement is intended.

This story has angst with hope. I am a believer in love and happy endings, especially for B & E. This is Rated MA for profanity, sexually explicit language and any other reason as deemed necessary.

Twilighted Beta: SunKing

* * *

"Free At Last", from the Broadway musical "Big River"

To let my feelings lie where harm cannot come by

And hurt this always hurting heart

That needs to rest a little while

To be like eagles when they ride upon the wind

And taste the sweetest taste of freedom for my soul

Esme walked away, never opening my bedroom door. I could hear her thoughts. _Please, Edward, come hunting with us, you need the rejuvenation._

I didn't reply. She knew the answer even before she came to invite me. There'd be no hunting today, not this day. Not even this month. I needed the pain, the anger, the thirst, in order to hide the other pain – my other thirst.

I'd spent the last two years living in a frozen ice country. It was just me and several million penguins and one nefarious lion seal. No humans. No voices.

For so long, I was nothing more than the wind that whipped through the night.

I ran.

I hunted.

I stood.

Every couple of months, my clothes would wear out from the harsh climate, and I'd replace them.

Occasionally, I'd long to hear a familiar voice, so I'd call my family. Those conversations never changed.

"Come home."

"Soon."

Of course, I lied. I was a professional liar. I was so believable that I could make anyone question known facts, especially if that person was gullible, insecure. That was how I got Bella to believe me, and that was why I stayed in the Antarctic.

After what seemed like an eternity, my family performed an intervention. It would have been hilarious, had I not been so pathetic. There were six immortals coming at me from as many directions. Their thoughts were easily heard because of the familiarity.

They were visible from miles away. There was nothing between me and them but snow, wind, and time. They blocked all my escape routes, and not even the water below was a safe retreat to the solitude I desired. Defeated, I returned with them, and haven't spoken a word ever since.

I was waiting for the end. There was nothing that would rush me to my final demise, except. . .

I waited for the sun to stop shining. It didn't.

I waited for the earth to stop revolving. It didn't.

I waited for my pain to go away. It didn't.

I waited for my anger to subside. It grew.

I would forever be nothing more than a shadow on the wall of my once full life.

There was no purpose for me on Earth, so I waited for nothing.

A leather-bound book appeared in my room one night. I picked it up after it sat there untouched for a very long time, probably months after I first noticed it. It had no writing on the front cover. I lifted the smooth brown leather away from the crisp white pages, and noticed there was nothing written in the book.

I turned my head around the room, and for the first time I noticed it's details. The bare walls were painted in a misty sky-blue. There was a small, brown leather chase lounger in the middle of the large rectangular room, and a table near it, on which the book had sat. There was nothing else, which was kind of irritating, because how would I write in the journal if I didn't have an ink pen?

I walked to the closet and opened the mirror door, not bothering to look at my reflection. Inside was a pair of jeans and a button-down blue shirt. I put them on and closed the door.

I walked to the bedroom entry door, which had never been used by me. I wasn't quite sure how I knew it was the entry door. I was unsure if anyone in my family had ever used it for its intended purpose – ingress and egress from my room.

I placed my hand on the brass handle and pushed it down, releasing the lock. I pulled the door towards me and stepped out into the dark hall. I looked at my left, and then right. I wasn't sure what was in either direction.

I closed my eyes and used my olfaction to track down the path Esme had taken. I recognized her sweet ginger and caramel scent. She'd gone left. I went right.

I listened for sounds in the house to make sure I wasn't walking into some unwanted interaction with one of my family members. There was only silence. In fact, the only sound I could hear were my bare feet tapping across the wooden floors.

The journey led to the end of the hall, where there was nothing but a window overlooking the vast forest that I'd recently hunted in. There were no other doors or any furniture on this end of the hall. I made a one-hundred-and-eighty degree turn, back the way I came.

I walked to the door of my room and paused. Would I go back inside and wait, or continue on my quest? I'm not sure how long I stood at the door deciding. It might have been a day, but from my desiccated mouth, the burn in my throat, and the view from the window across the room, I could tell it was probably weeks.

I was frail. I was thirsty. I needed to hunt. My quest was forgotten. I stepped back into my room and closed the wood-paneled door. On the far side of the room, there were two curtained glass doors that led to the balcony. That was the exit I'd use.

I took several quick steps, opened the curtained door on my right, and lunged through. I leapt over the balcony, flipping in midair to land gently on the ground. My feet did not immediately move forward, and I looked down to find that I was hindered by a deep level of snow. _When had snow arrived?_ It felt familiar, like an old friend. It wasn't cold enough, though.

I turned my head to look at the balcony I'd just jumped from, and it didn't look familiar, but I'm sure I'd been in that room and exited in a similar manner before. Everything was so recognizable but out of place, even out of time.

I didn't have an understanding for the actual date and time. What month could it be? Snow on the ground meant dead of winter, or it could be an early snow of fall. Or perhaps the late snow of spring? I didn't see the sun for the cloud cover, which made it impossible to tell the time of day. I snapped my head to the woods, north perhaps.

I ran into the dark forest, my feet scarcely leaving an indent in the snow. There was no path. If there was one, the snow covered it. My nose caught scent of an animal. I could hear the pulsating of its heart, as gallons of blood passed through it. The sound and smell doubled, and then tripled. There were two elk, and a third animal was not far away. I bent my knees and began to crouch. A breeze swept across my face, alerting me that I was upwind from the animals. This knowledge caused my muscles to spring forward to capture my prey. I took down the small female elk quickly. My thirst not fully satiated, I searched the area for other prey, and was rewarded with a mountain lion. My thirst was quieted and I followed my own scent back.

I wasn't sure of my location in the world.

I wasn't sure of the time in the world.

When I entered the clearing in front of the house, I took notes of the structure. It had a white-painted brick façade, and columns jutted every few feet to hold up the second floor balcony that surrounded the house. I recognized it as colonial architecture. This was not my home, but it was. Wasn't it?

The balcony that led to my quarters was on the third level, and I deftly climbed the wall and was once again in my room. I noticed the leather-bound book on the table. I picked it up and opened to the blank pages. It was of no use to me without something to write with. I walked out of the bedroom door and turned to the left. I could no longer smell Esme's scent. I followed the hallway to a flight of stairs.

I descended the stairs to the second floor. I looked at my right and left, and listened. There were no sounds. Within a minute, I had searched the five vacant bedrooms. There were no tables, beds or lighting in the rooms. All the walls were bare, all the floors were empty, and not even the smell of a recent visit was noticeable.

I went to the first floor. I found sitting rooms that were just as empty as the rest of the house. The dining room and foyer were vacant. There were no books on shelves, no dishes in cabinets. No one had been in any of the rooms in months, maybe years. I began to wonder if I belonged here.

I found no obvious clues.

I walked back to the foyer and to the front double oak doors. I touched the handle and squeezed it to the right, and pulled the door towards me. I stepped outside. A beeping sound began, followed seconds later by an alarm. It was incessantly loud, imposing and blaring.

I froze.

_How did I get to this place? How long had I been here? Where is my family? Where is she? _

There were so many questions going through my head with no answers. I welcomed the siren. It was sure to alert someone who could answer my questions, or at the very least to turn off the blasted alarm.

I'm not sure how long I was frozen, but no one came. The persistent piercing became no more than a dull buzz to my ears.

Why hadn't anyone come to turn off the alarm?

I was asking questions, and that was something new. I hadn't noticed that I could still do that – I didn't know when I lost my curiosity.

The red sun was setting, and I could see the semi-cloudy sky with its orange and red hues on the horizon. The house faced east. There were brilliant redwoods surrounding the mansion, with an ancient one standing guard in the middle of the circular paved driveway.

I saw a flicker of red in the trees and focused my eyes. It was a redbird. Was it winter now? Was I north? Birds fly south in the winter.

Oh, this was baffling.

I jerked my head to the left and saw the elevation of the estate gardens. Unmaintained bushes and paths were easily visible.

I took an unnecessary breath and recognized familiar scents: pine and oak. And then, I remembered something.

I had been here before.

I turned and walked back inside, closing the outside away. I went to the small cupboard door under the grand staircase and opened it. I punched in a series of numbers on the key pad attached to the wall. The piercing noise ceased.

_How did I know that?_

I reached out, put my hand on the back wall, and pressed a small lever that released the door to the basement.

I walked down the plain, untreated wooden stairs, and stepped into the vast, bare expanse. There, against the back wall, was a desk with a computer on it. There was a large monitor that was plugged into the wall, but no other hardware, no CPU, no keyboard, and no mouse. My mind never thought to move, but I found myself in front of the computer. I placed my index finger to the screen.

The computer buzzed to life.

I waited.

I waited some more.

"You look like shit, man!" Emmett's booming laugh startled me. He was wearing a grey knit sweater and a kind smile. The sight of him seemed proverbial. I didn't know what was expected.

"At least I don't smell like it," was my solemn reply, my voice alien. He chuckled. _Why was I talking to him?_

"Alice told us you'd call. So you're almost ready to start living again? That's great, man, we've missed you."

I raised my eyebrow. I understood the words, but was confused by their meaning._ Start living again?_ _I lived?_ Is that what one called the venom that infested my body?

"Oh yeah, she said you'd be confused, and that I was supposed to give you a message. Do you want it?"

I didn't know how to answer him. _Do I want a message? From Alice? Why would she have a message for me?_ I had no future. I had no life. I only had unanswered questions. He had asked me a question. _Here was a choice, do I want it? _I stared blankly at him.

"Hey, don't sweat it, her message is easy as 3.14159265358979323846." He was laughing again. _Had he made a joke?_

I moved infinitesimally to leave.

"Whoa, hold on, Edward. I need to give you the message. Alice said you wouldn't get my joke, but I had to try. Listen, man, she wanted you to know that it's in the kitchen drawer."

I didn't say anything. I turned and walked away from my brother. I crossed the expanse of empty basement, went up the stairs, and into the kitchen. I pulled open the drawers, and in the one closest to the door, there was a pack of ballpoint ink pens. I picked them up, went back to my room, and shut my door.

I sat on the chase lounger and picked up the book. I pulled out an ink pen, freeing it from its cap. I wrote.

_Day 1._

_I don't know the date. I don't know my location. I don't know how long I have been in this place, alone. I don't hear thoughts, I'm not even sure if I hear my own. This place is so very familiar, but I'm not sure if I actually recognize it._

_There are so many questions in my head. No answers._

_I am here__,__ and the hurt too, but I think I can function now._

_Yes, I'm stronger now. There is something I need to do. I need to write._

And with those first few words as an introduction, I turned the page and wrote assiduously. I wrote about my hurt. I included some memories I had of her and me together. I was feeling again. Thinking, and somehow, I never reached Day Two before the blank leather-bound book was filled with words, from cover to cover; top to bottom; edge to edge. Finally, I flipped it closed and sat there.

Eventually, I looked up and noticed the weather was warmer. Once again, I'd lost track of time. I opened the book and read the introduction. _Yes, I was stronger._ I turned the page and read; I turned to the second and each page that followed. I read. I reached the end of my leather-bound journal and couldn't remember what I'd read. It was a blur.

I turned back to the introduction and read it again. _Yes, I was stronger._ And once again, I turned the page and read. I didn't stop until I was at the end of the book. When I reached the end, the journal was a blur. I turned the book over and read the introduction_. Yes, I was stronger. _

I read my journal over and again. Each time, when I finished reading, I couldn't remember what I'd read, so I would start again with the introduction and confirm that I was, indeed, stronger.

Sometimes I stopped reading long enough to hunt, but I'd return and read.

Then, one day, I was reading a page near the end of the book and I recognized a word. When I got to the end of the book, I remembered that word, but I didn't know the context, so I read my journal again from the beginning.

At some point, I could remember several of the words in the book. Ultimately, there was no longer a need to read the book. Every word, every sentence, every paragraph, and every page I knew. I understood.

After the introduction, it was the same throughout the journal. It repeated. It was a single word. A name, actually: Bella.

* * *

Confused? Chapter 4 will be posted next week with more of Edward and a reunion.

Please review.


	4. Going Home

Thanks to Pinenapple and Dances with Vampires for their selfless acts to beta. Thank you to MrsSadhbhPattinson for all you do with pre-reading and best wishes with exams.

All things Twilight belong to Stephanie Meyers. This is only fanfiction and no copyright infringement is intended.

This story has angst with hope. I am a believer in love and happy endings, especially for B & E. This is Rated MA for profanity, sexually explicit language and any other reason as deemed necessary.

Twilighted Beta: SunKing

* * *

"Defying Gravity" from the Tony Award musical _Wicked_

_Something has changed within me_

_Something is not the same_

_I'm through with playing by the rules_

_Of someone else's game_

_Too late for second-guesses_

_Too late to go to sleep_

_It's time to trust my instincts_

_Close my eyes; and leap_

_At some point, I could remember several of the words in the book. Ultimately, there was no longer a need to read the book. Every word, every sentence, every paragraph, and every page I knew. I understood._

_After the introduction, it was the same throughout the journal. It repeated. It was a single word. A name, actually: Bella._

I had written her name on every page of the journal; from cover to cover, top to bottom, and edge to edge. Not only had I written it, I also had read it. I read her name over and over, until I was able to recognize what I'd done.

I was stronger.

I no longer needed to write or read the journal.

I placed the leather bond book on the table, stood up and walked out of my room. I turned to the left and went down three flights of stairs. I walked to the back wall and pushed my index finger forward.

Almost immediately, Rosalie's face appeared on the computer screen. "Hi, Edward." The long blond hair framed her beautiful face and she offered me a smile.

"Hello Rosalie, how are you?" It was strange to hear my own voice again, it sounded so . . . prospective.

"I'm happy to see you, Edward. I know you're probably very confused, but you should know, everything will be alright. Carlisle, Esme, Jasper and Alice will be there in a few minutes," she promised with a grin.

"Thank you, Rose. It's good to see you too," I ventured to give her a smile.

"Edward?"

"Yes?"

"You'll need to put some clothes on before they get there. You'll find everything you need in your bedroom closet."

I noticed her voice chimed soothingly. She was talking to me as if I needed careful handling, special attention. Considering I was nude, that was understandable.

"I apologize if I've made you uncomfortable, Rose."

"It's fine, Edward, I can only see your face," she paused as if she wanted to say something else. "I'll talk to you soon."

"Bye, Rose."

I touched the screen and the computer powered off. There was no need for her to watch me as I walked away. I went back to my room and there, in the closet, was a button down white shirt and a pair of khaki pants.

_Why was I unclothed?_

I shook my head and got dressed. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and was taken aback by my severe pale skin and the deep dark circles that framed my gold colored eyes. There, in front of me, was a stranger. He was also a long lost friend that looked exactly the same as he did before he came to this place. Only the eye color was different. I was still lithe with well-defined muscles; my face carried the same angular structure, and atop my head was the same unmanageable bronze colored hair, only it didn't seem as thick.

_Yes old friend, you are stronger. _I went downstairs to the main floor. I found a long mahogany table with chairs in the formal dining room.

_Had this always been here?_

I sat in one of the chairs and waited. Alice must have seen me get stronger, known I'd made a choice, or maybe something else...

It wasn't difficult to understand the delegation that was on its way, even their purpose.

Carlisle, my mentor, advisor and father; he was a solid decision maker and would help me to explore whether I had any purpose to my life.

My mother, Esme, was coming to make sure I was stronger, that I was well enough to find some bit of happiness. Mostly she came to give me her love.

Obviously, Jasper, my brother, was coming to help, in case my mood became uncontrollable. And Alice would let me know what my future held, that is, if I had one.

I heard a car turn onto the long winding driveway and approach the house. It stopped in between the massive redwood tree and the front doors.

"Ready everyone?" I heard Carlisle say. No one answered verbally. I cocked my head towards the car and listened to their thoughts.

_Yes, he's finally ready to come home. _That was Esme.

_He's sad, aloof, and confused. Damn near his old self. _Jasper thought as he looked at Alice. Through his eyes, I saw Alice, who was smiling. _I've missed you, truly, but you'd better have some clothes on – I'm so tired of seeing you naked. Now get out of my head!_ Alice thought and then she began reciting the names of Tony winning actresses and the designer that made their dresses for the award show. I smiled.

"Now stick to the script, we can't afford to mess this up." Carlisle cautioned.

I hadn't noticed that I had gotten out of my seat and was standing in the foyer with my hand on the doorknob. Suddenly anxious to see my family, I flung the front door open and stepped outside.

Predictably, Alice leapt into my arms. I embraced her and she giggled. "That's the first hug you've given me in a long time."

"I'm sorry; it won't be so long next time."

"No. I don't think it will." She trilled. I felt something, and lifted my eyebrow, I felt . . . hope. We released each other.

Esme took deliberate steps to me, lifted her cool hands as she stroked each side of my cheeks. She smiled and then opened her arms widely as I fell into her embrace. I could feel her shoulders quiver as she cried, tearlessly.

"Thank you for the clothes. I won't go so far away again." I promised.

"You're right, we won't let you," she smiled lovingly.

Jasper marched towards me, planning to hit my shoulder. I let him. "Don't ever put us through this again."

"I won't." And we feigned a boxing match, which ended with a back slapping hug. It dawned on me that I wasn't quite sure what I'd promised to him or Esme, but it didn't really matter.

"I thought we lost you," Carlisle murmured as he gave me a hug and rubbed the back of my head.

"I'm sorry to worry you. I'm stronger now." I looked around to my family and smiled, unsure of what to do next.

"Well, let's go inside and talk." Carlisle turned me around and moved a little to my right to allow Esme to squeeze between us.

We went into the house, close together – like sardines packed in a can. It felt warm.

We sat at the mahogany table in the dining room. I was facing the door with Esme on one side holding my hand, and Alice on the other, her arm linked through mine. Carlisle and Jasper sat across from me, both within arm's reach.

"I know you must be bewildered about where you are and how long you've been here, but before we get to that, I want to ask you a favor." Carlisle adjusted his body so that he was leaning over the table with his hand resting on top.

I was frozen.

"We love you, Edward, and we're not going to let you stop living, stop existing. You are very important to us and we each are less because you have not been with us. We want you to promise that before you make any decisions, you'll discuss it with us and follow our advice. It's very important that you keep this promise to us Edward, otherwise, those who are very dear to us will be lost. Can you promise to follow our advice, Edward?"

I took an unnecessary breath and turned to Alice. "Have you seen the future and the necessity for this?" I was stronger, more certain.

"Yes. You'll know the time; you'll have to trust what we tell you even if it won't make any sense to you."

I searched their thoughts for some clue to the events that they expected, but none of them seemed to know. Even Alice's vision of my future was unclear. "You don't know the event do you?"

"No. I can see that there are decisions yet to be made. It won't be long though." Alice answered truthfully.

I turned back to Carlisle. "Yes. I promise to ask and follow your advice."

"Good," he released an anxious sigh. "What do you remember after we left Forks?"

I hesitated, unsure of what to do. _Would the black darkness that had been my life return? Would I be able to talk?_ I automatically looked at Jasper for some sense of comfort.

"It's okay, Edward. You won't be able to go back to where you've been. You're stronger and it's safe – you're safe."

I breathed in and spoke, "I remember tracking Victoria … unsuccessfully. Then I was hunting in a wasteland covered in snow . . . and all of you plus Emmett and Rosalie came and retrieved me. I don't remember much else until I found the journal and started writing. Today … I think it was today … was the first day I could read it and understand." I swallowed the air around me and was enveloped in the scents of my family. "I gather I was pretty messed up."

Carlisle nodded. "Yes, Edward you've not been yourself for quite awhile." He looked at Esme, then back at me and began filling in some of my missing life.

"After we left Forks, you refused to live with us. You tracked Victoria for awhile, but ultimately your hunt ended when you went to the Antarctic. You lived among the penguins." There was a twinkle in his eyes as he smiled at me. His face turned somber, "You'd probably still be in the frozen tundra had it not been for . . . an accident you had with a very angry leopard seal.

"The leopard seal took a rather large bite out of you. The wound was along the back of your head, which, as expected, healed completely. There were injuries to your brain, which I believe may all be corrected. You might need more time, but I won't know for sure until I examine you. You have shown remarkable resilience." He paused. "I'm getting ahead of myself.

"Edward, you were in the frozen tundra for ten months. You would call us every few weeks, always on the same date. Alice saw your attack and knew you needed help. We searched for you and found you badly injured. You were unable to focus on anything but your physical needs. We brought you here to help you heal. We stayed with you at first. Your physical wounds healed so quickly, but you were … in the dark. You were lost inside your own mind, with no sense of time.

"Unfortunately, you weren't on your best behavior with us," his voice was solid, sounding more like a doctor than a father. There was no hint of chastisement. "Our thoughts interfered with your healing. We only lived here a few days before we understood that you needed solitude. At first, we returned daily to monitor your recovery. We've tapered off to once a year and relied on Alice. You were always watched. Moreover, you could have called us at anytime, if you desired."

I remembered the computer in the basement. Yes, I knew that. But I hadn't been able to.

"Alice left the journal for you two years ago. Do you remember why we left Forks?"

I nodded my head. "I remember everything now Carlisle, except why I refused to wear clothes." My lips curled upward and everyone laughed, breaking the uneasy uncertainty of my reaction to hearing of my accident and recovery.

"Dang!" Jasper said, causing everyone to startle, "I lost the bet." _The bet I had with Emmett, he said you'd never tell us why you would only wear your birthday suit._

I sat and thought for half a second. Everything made so much sense now. I wasn't just mourning my loss of Bella, I was repairing my mind. I flinched when I thought of her. My eyes snapped to Jasper.

_You alright?_

"It's her birthday isn't it?" I asked.

"Yes." I turned my head to look at Alice.

"Do you know anything about her?"

"Not anything since she started college."

"I was on my way to her . . . to beg, if necessary, for her to take me back. In the frozen Antarctic, I came to my senses, I could not survive without her and nothing was going to keep me from having her in my life, so I was on my way to her, but I needed to hunt first.

"I'd successfully hunted leopard seals before without any difficulty. There was a dead frozen whale on the ice and a leopard seal was eating from the carcass. I easily captured the seal. While I was feeding on it, another leopard seal broke through the ice and grabbed me by my jacket, pulling me into the water, where it had the slight advantage.

"That's how I was injured. I didn't kill the second leopard seal, a punch under water isn't as effective as one above." I would have to rectify that.

"How do you feel Edward?" Esme asked.

"I –" my voice hesitated as I gathered my anger to hide it. Jasper was not quick enough to register the change in my emotions. "—I feel the same as I did on the day of the attack. I want to find Bella and beg her to take me back."

"I see." Esme smiled. _It's been a long time, best to take it slow for now._

I nodded my agreement with her thoughts. I'd wait at least until Carlisle released me from medical care, then I'd have two journeys.

"If there's nothing else, we should leave now, the renovation crew will be here shortly." Carlisle looked to me. "Do you wish to gather your things?"

I remembered the only item in the house that belonged to me: the journal. "No. I'm ready."

We loaded ourselves into the Mercedes. I sat between Esme and Alice in the spacious back seat. Carlisle was in the front while Jasper drove. "Where are we going?"

"Forks. Carlisle thinks it will help get you back on track, you know, something familiar to help speed your recovery," Jasper answered.

"Good, maybe I can see Bella."

"No, Edward." Carlisle emphatically vetoed the suggestion, his voice firm as he turned to look at me. "You're not ready to see her yet. It's been years, son. You're not in any shape to reunite with Bella right now. We'll only be in Forks for a couple of days and then we're going to stay with the Denali family, until our house here is ready."

From Alice's thoughts, I was able to see the hurt and despair on my face.

_Didn't they understand how much Bella had helped me already?_ _Imagine if she was really with me, my recovery will be that much quicker._ "I'm not afraid."

"Edward, we don't know if she's in a position to be with you. We're unsure if you're ready to do what it takes to have her in your life. You're not completely healed. You'd have to leave her in order to get well. Do you want to do that to her?"

Carlisle's reasoning was infallible. I'd promised to follow his advice. I hoped the tug in my heart would cooperate.

"Where have I been living?"

"The house is in Upper Peninsula Michigan, close to the Canadian wilderness and backing up to Hiawatha National Forest. The estate is about one hundred acres. We had to find somewhere that was far enough away from human population and remote enough for you to pursue your hunting activities without interference. We'll return soon, we're all feeling the need to live in solitude for awhile."

"Where are Rosalie and Emmett?"

"They should be in Forks by now, opening the house. We needed to get the house ready for your return. It has always been your favorite place to live."

"What have you been doing while I was … away?"

For the next three hours, I asked questions. Carlisle answered in paragraphs, filling in the details of my missing years. He never tired or showed impatience in answering my questions. It reminded me of when it was just the two of us, after I completed my new born stage. When we settled into our seats on the airplane, I whispered my questions and read the answer in Carlisle's mind.

I found solace in Carlisle's intricate thoughts, pushing my anger deep inside. Carlisle had been a vampire for over three hundred years. His mind held every non-fiction book written within the last hundred years, many were outdated. He referred to them as fiction. Our plane landed in Seattle at twilight. Rosalie and Emmett surrounded me with their arms, thinking warm and comforting thoughts, as we walked out of the airport.

There was a hand painted banner with the words 'Welcome Home, Edward' hanging over the front doors to the four story white house. I growled at the picture of a leopard seal being punched in the nose. "Thank you, Alice," I murmured.

I walked through the front doors and entered the great open area that spanned the entire floor. The grand circular staircase hung down from the second floor in the middle of the unchanged room. The far wall was glass paneled, offering an uninterrupted view of the ancient trees, the river and the woods beyond. There was no carpet on the dark wood floors except for the rug in front of the three long sofas arranged in front of a massive flat screen television. I tilted my head and saw the grand piano that set on its landing behind the staircase. I was finally strong enough to be home.

* * *

E/N – Okay, Carlisle hi-jacked the story, I originally was going somewhere else, but that cute doctor does have a way with convincing a writer to his way of thinking ;-)

Next chapter: Bella's birthday.


	5. Welcome Home

Thanks to Pinenapple and Dances with Vampires for their selfless acts to beta and MrsSadhbhPattinson for all you do with pre-reading.

All things Twilight belong to Stephanie Meyers. This is only fanfiction and no copyright infringement is intended by this wannabe.

This story has angst with hope. I am a believer in love and happy endings, especially for B & E. This is Rated MA for profanity, sexually explicit language and any other reason as deemed necessary.

Twilighted Beta: SunKing

* * *

CHAPTER 5

WELCOME HOME

_"There Once Was A Man"_ from the Tony Award Musical _The Pajama_ _Game_

_My love is a giant, fierce and defiant_

_But how can I prove it to you_

_Ain't got no kingdom or dragon_

_To back up my braggin'_

_How can I show what I would do_

_I only know there once was a man_

_Who loved a woman_

_I closed the computer after glancing at the clock. As usual, I'd been lost in my grief – I hadn't moved, hadn't eaten__,__ and hadn't used the bathroom. And that was why I was startled when the wake-up call came, having never slept in the bed. Twenty minutes later__,__ I was showered and dressed. I picked up my bags and put them in the car. I drove back to the resort lodge to check-out. _

_"Ms. Swan, I hope your stay was satisfactory. Would you like the same cottage next month?" asked the dark-skinned young girl with her hair plastered into a ponytail, flowing down her back. _

_I didn't hesitate. "No."_

The apartment was quiet. If my unlucky stars allowed, I would have a full hour with Garrett while Tiger slept. We needed time together to test my new resolution, the one to love past the pain.

I dropped my bags by the couch and opened the bedroom door. My excitement waned when I saw Tiger on his back with one leg on Garrett's back and the other wrapped in a blanket. Garrett was curled on his side as if to protect his private part. Both were shirtless.

I tiptoed to Garrett and rubbed my finger along his chin. After several seconds of him fanning my hand away, I giggled. He opened his eyes and smiled handsomely. I placed a finger over my lips, and wiggled it again for him to follow me.

We snuck out of our bedroom and quietly shut the door behind us. When we were on the other side of the apartment, he wrapped his muscled arms around me.

"Welcome home, Swan," he whispered.

We kissed as I sauntered backwards, pulling him to the kitchen. Our hands fondled each other, while our lips separated only long enough for soft whispers.

"It doesn't seem like you missed me much," I teased. I slid my hand down his washboard stomach to feel his masculinity. He was hard.

"See? I did. Did you miss me too, Swan?" His fingers gathered my summer dress up over my hips. Then his hand pressed my center. I rocked my sex into his hand, enjoying the sensation tingling between my legs.

"Mmm, you did miss me," he murmured. His hands returned to the hem of my dress and pushed it up along my arms and then over my head. He tossed my dress behind him giving me the chance to reach around my back to unhook my bra. Garrett chuckled as I shimmied my bra down my arms. There was a gentle sway to my breasts.

I watched as he wet his lips and bent his head to take my nipple into his mouth. My heart picked up its pace. I closed my eyes and lifted my hands to the side of his head. My fingers weaved through his hair and slid down to his ears. I rubbed my thumb and forefinger along the smooth cartilage until I reached his lobes. Garrett growled in delight when I began to massage my fingers over the tip of his ears. I opened my mouth and took the bottom of his earlobe into my mouth. I swirled my tongue flicking the lobe gently. We mirrored our movements as he suckled at my breast.

Our moans and need grew. Garrett pushed my panties over my hips and down to my knees where I promptly wiggled out of them. My right leg automatically hitched up around his hip and my thigh rested on his well formed backside.

He freed his male hardness and rubbed against my moist folds. My hands flew back onto the kitchen counter as he lifted my legs around his waist. There was a loud clash, and we were startled. I had knocked over a glass lid covering homemade donuts.

We froze, listening for any sign that Tiger had heard and was awake. Our breathing was heavy, my chest rising and falling as Garrett nuzzled his head between my breasts. I looked around and noticed further disarray in the kitchen.

"You all left a big mess."

Garrett didn't answer, but rather grabbed a 'naked' donut and placed it to my lips. He positioned his length at my sex. I opened my mouth and accepted the donut. My hips began to rock over Garrett's center. The plain chocolate donut was sweet and moist and a delicious combination when I swallowed his cock into me.

"It was worth it," I mumbled.

His pulled his hips back and withdrew and then he allowed himself to be swallowed again. I breathed in with each push of his shaft. It was sweet, warm sex. He moved his head to my ear, pausing. I continued to move, enjoying the feel of him filling me again and again. Eventually, I noticed that I was the only one moving and I heard him whisper, "Let me make you all mine. Marry me."

He withdrew almost all of himself and I let him. With a shiver he returned with a full deep thrust. "I want a daughter. Marry me."

Then, he was the only one moving. His pace picked up and he thrust deeper, more purposefully. "Open your eyes, Swan," he whispered.

Oh, I didn't want to open my eyes. I'd lose everything I'd left in the Mohave Desert. I tried to hide my face from him, but we were in a much too intimate an embrace. Slowly, I opened my tear-filled eyes and released my resolve to love past the pain. A tear rolled down my cheek.

"I'm serious, I love you. Marry me." His warm blue eyes beamed.

I said the only thing I knew to be true. "I love you." They were the only words I could say without falling apart. It wasn't the first time he'd asked. I always said no. I could feel him throbbing inside of me and his heart pounding, I wrapped my arms around him. He knew I would not accept.

"Damn it, Swan!"

"Love me, Garrett." I rolled my hips into him, preventing him from moving away - to end our connection. He gave a throaty groan. I persisted in our lovemaking until he matched my rhythm and tempo. We moved in tandem, meeting deep inside, the passion building. We pounded into one another, melding our bodies towards release. Garrett and I both came together. Our orgasm reached, we breathed through to calmness.

He carried me to the sofa, and we sat down, still connected. I wasn't sure which of us would speak first. He put his hands around my hips and lifted me away from his center.

I whispered in his ear. "Garrett, what is this? We've talked about it. I don't want to get married. I don't want any more children."

He shook his head. "I'm almost thirty, Swan. We've been together for five years, and I know you love me. We love each other. Tiger needs his parents committed and married." He was whispering loudly in my ear. He was desperate.

"Why are you doing this to me?" It was the present that kept us together, not the future.

"I want to make you happy."

"You can't. I'm the only one that can make me happy, and I'm _not_ unhappy. Why like this, Garrett?"

"I'm sorry. I had to know."

"Know what?" I felt my anger rising.

"Know if it was real, your love for me. The pain you hold inside."

I moved away, but he stopped me.

"Well?" I asked.

"I know you love me. I know the pain is still there. I know I want to marry you."

"What else?" He already knew all those things. Something else was bothering him, something beyond my pain.

"I'm sick of hearing my parents ask, 'when are you going to make an honest woman out of Isabella?' and 'why haven't you legitimated our grandson?'"

"I don't care what they say. I'm not unhappy with us like this. We've had this conversation before. What else, Garrett?" I demanded.

"We're going to your father's house for a week. A week, Swan. He'll ask the same questions my parents asked. But," he took a deep breath. "What is more galling is that I'll have to sleep on the couch downstairs, and you'll be upstairs with Tiger. I wouldn't be without you if we were married. My son can sleep with you, but I can't."

"We don't have to stay with Charlie. We can stay at the Bed and Breakfast in town." I tried unsuccessfully to move away again.

"And have your dad be even more hostile towards me? I don't think so."

"Well, you shouldn't have let them talk you into a full week. The weekend would have been fine."

"That's not the problem, and you know it." He was no longer whispering. "We need to get married."

I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to get married. _He_ left me.

"I'm broken, Garrett. I won't ever be whole. I won't tie you to the half-person that I am. It's wrong – you deserve so much more. Look at you, Garrett. You're handsome, a fantastic father, an exceptional lover, and a great friend. You're the opposite of me. Where I'm painfully shy, you're outgoing; everyone likes you. I'm satisfied, but you're always striving for more, to be better, accomplish the impossible. I love you for those things, too much to allow you to use up your life on me."

"I want you. Marry me. You say you're broken, but every woman I've ever known has been broken. You're more complete than all of them put together."

I pulled my hair through my fingers. I was confused. _Maybe I could tie my lacerated heart to this man._ "I'm scared."

"I know, but I won't leave you. I'll stay. Make me an honest man, Swan. Marry me."

"I don't know," I whispered.

"Really?" he shouted gleefully. "You don't know? Really? You know, that's the first time you didn't say 'no.' I'm getting closer." He smiled and kissed my cheek. "We're going to make it, Swan; we're going to be alright."

I shook my head at the lunatic and laughed. "Let me up, I need to clean up the kitchen."

He released me with a passionate kiss. "I'll make you mine, yet."

"With kisses like that, maybe you will," I replied.

"Hey, did I tell you that we're having dinner with my parents tonight?"

"No. What time?" His parents were conventional and unimaginative. We got along fine.

"Five, their place." They owned a small bungalow in the valley to accommodate their frequent visits.

"Okay. Is it a special occasion?"

"You said 'I don't know'."

I heard my bedroom door open. "Tiger?"

"Mommy!"

Garrett and I were busy with school, work, and Tiger, which didn't leave much time for us to be together. That wasn't a good thing, considering my dad would stalk him the entire time we were in Forks. Well, maybe not stalk him, but monitor his every move when I was around.

After a smooth flight and uneventful drive, we found ourselves outside of Charlie's house, on the small porch with one unlit light. Garrett was holding Tiger, who was looking at the trees with astonishment. "Mom, did you climb any of those trees?" Tiger had on a baseball cap that Charlie sent him, a pair of jeans, and a baseball t-shirt.

"No, Mommy can't climb trees. I had a friend who was very good at tree- climbing, though." I couldn't tell him that I'd been to the very top of those trees, and admired the lush forest and lakes while on the back of my ex-boyfriend, who was a vampire. I allowed the pain to wash through my thoughts. _No more hiding from the hurt._

"I bet I can climb those trees." Tiger was ferociously competitive and thrilled with a challenge. He inherited that from his dad's side of the family.

Garrett shifted Tiger and knocked on the door.

"Don't you have a key?" Garrett asked, seemingly annoyed. He wore dark jeans, and a gray long-sleeved t-shirt that rippled over his strong arms.

"He's supposed to be home, I told him we'd be here at five. There's a key over the eaves." I pointed.

Garrett set Tiger down, and I grabbed my son's hand. I would have let Tiger try out his tree-climbing skills, but Garrett seemed anxious to get inside.

Garrett took the key and unlocked the door, which swung open. The entryway was dark, so I led, Garrett holding his hand on the small of my back. I reached for the light switch, and realized that I'd been set up. I spun around to leave, but Garrett grabbed me by my shoulders.

"Oh no, you don't." He spun me back around, forced me through the entry, and pushed up the light switch. At that moment, I detested everyone: Garrett for setting me up, my dad for planning and all those blasted people who were yelling 'surprise' and 'happy birthday'. The only one I didn't hate was Tiger, who looked just as uncomfortable and displeased as I did.

I had no idea that that many people could fit inside of Charlie's small, two-bedroom house. I saw old high school classmates, Charlie's co-workers, and a bunch of folks from La Push, including Jacob and his dad. I was so angry that my cheeks flamed red.

Charlie walked over to me, and held out his arms for a hug. Garrett, the traitor, refused to allow me a retreat, so I just stood there as Charlie hugged me and I behaved as his petulant daughter.

"Happy birthday, Bells'."

"Who the hell set this up?" I seethed through clenched teeth. "You know I hate this kind of stuff." I hated my birthday, hated being the center of attention, and hated parties. The only thing that would make it worse would be for a Cullen to show up or for Leah Clearwater to impersonate Aston Kutcher and yell, "You've been punked!"

"Relax, Bells'. This isn't a party, and nothing was planned. Everyone was coming over to see you anyway, and. . .it just happened. There's no cake, presents, or any decorations. We had to call in for pizza, and Seth made a run to the store for plates and cups."

I looked around the room, and true enough, there was no table full of gifts, no cake, no food, no decorations, but there was still a bunch of people in a too-small house. My anger subsided, just a bit. The grin on Garrett's face reminded me that I could find some joy in celebrating my birthday.

"Tiger, there's your granddad." I waved at Charlie, who bent down to get a good look at his grandson.

"Are you really going to take me fishing? I don't think I've ever gone before." And with that, my precocious four-year-old and his grandfather renewed their love affair.

* * *

Friends, Thank you so much for reading and putting my story on fav and alert. I'd really love some feedback because this is my first fanfiction without SM prompting me along. Please comment. The next 10 chapters are finished and I'm just waiting for more comments before I get them beta'd and posted. I've outlined the story through the end, all without fluff and fillers, and I really can't wait to take you on the journey...


	6. Unmerry Birthday

Thanks to Pinenapple for her selfless acts to beta.

All things Twilight belong to Stephanie Meyers. This is only fanfiction and no copyright infringement is intended by this fan.

This story has angst with hope. I am a believer in love and happy endings, especially for B & E. This is Rated MA for profanity, sexually explicit language and any other reason as deemed necessary.

Twilighted Beta: SunKing

* * *

CHAPTER SIX

UNMERRY BIRTHDAY

_"Something Wonderful" from the Tony Award musical The King and I_

_This is a man who thinks with his heart,  
His heart is not always wise.  
This is a man who stumbles and falls,  
But this is a man who tries_

I looked around the room and, true enough, there was no table full of gifts, no cake, no food, no decorations. My anger subsided, somewhat. It wasn't what I wanted. I could feel my cheeks warming. I didn't want this to be about me and yet here I was once again the center of this damn blasted event, called my birthday to make those who love me happy. There was really no way to avoid it. I'd have to greet everyone and thank them for coming. At least they'd be more interested in meeting Garrett and Tiger. Still I was not happy and my irritation was evident.

"Tiger, say hello to your granddad," I gritted.

"Hi, Granddad. When can we go fishing?"

"First thing in the morning, so you won't be able to stay up late tonight." Charlie smiled at Tiger.

"Can my daddy come too? It can be 'man time.'"

"Sure." Charlie stood up and glared at Garrett. Yep, my dad was planning on watching Garrett's every move. Charlie held his hand out to shake Garrett's.

"Good to see you, Charlie," Garrett said loudly so he could be heard over the chattering in such small quarters.

"Yeah. Um, you can take Bella and Tiger's things upstairs. Just leave your stuff in the hall."

"Okay." Garrett turned and gave me an 'I-told-you-so' look. I shrugged my shoulders and blew him a kiss. _It was going to be an interesting week._

"Bells!" I turned toward the deep voice of Jacob Black, a co-conspirator with my dad. "I knew we'd get you home for the Heritage Festival one way or the other."

Jacob bounded to me in two stomps, picked me up and gave me a squeeze. He was as jubilant as ever and I couldn't resist his sunshine.

"Jacob!" Tears ran down my cheeks. "It's great to see you." I lived in enmity with my tears which flowed freely even when I was angry, and I was very angry.

"I see you're still blubbering all the time," he teased, not any smaller since the last time I saw him. Even his smile seemed bigger. His dark skin was the same familiar copper color and stretched over the mounds of muscle that was part of his six foot nine inch body. His shiny ebony hair was cropped short. He was wearing a t-shirt with pair of cut off shorts.

"It's just the anger from so many people throwing me a surprise party and then taking it back. It's just so damn confusing." I smiled as I wiped away my happy tears.

"That Tiger of yours has sure gotten bigger! What are you two feeding him?"

"Apparently his new kick is 'naked' donuts," I said as I grinned at Garrett, who was suddenly holding onto my hand. I unsuccessfully fought back a deep blush.

"Hiya, Jacob. Whatever we're feeding him, it'll never be enough for him to catch up and be as big as you. It's good to see you again," Garrett said in his most friendly voice. Jacob and Garrett had a friendly rivalry about weight lifting and muscles, although Jacob cheated – his muscles were inherited and he didn't lift weights, Garrett was just as big and tall. If Garrett ever finds out that Jacob's a werewolf, he'll be highly upset that he was cheated.

The two men shook hands while I found myself enjoying my first day home, even though it was my not-really-a-birthday-welcome-home-party. My favorite men were all in one room and we were surrounded by friends. For a few seconds, maybe minutes, and hopefully, hours I didn't worry about the massive brick refuge that held my hurt.

The non-birthday-party ended around ten o'clock. Tiger was asleep long before then. After I put him to bed, and a half hour of reading his favorite children's book, I found everyone was gone. They hadn't said good-bye hoping to see us at the festival, according to Charlie. Garrett and I cleaned up and fixed the sleeper sofa.

With my dad hovering, Garrett and I kissed chastely, said good-night and I went upstairs to bed. "Do you want me to bring Tiger down to sleep with you? I know you all are getting up early to go fishing." I wasn't sure I'd sleep late, but just in case, it would be easier if Tiger was already downstairs. I really didn't want to be up at four in the morning anyway.

"No, let's just leave him where he is, we probably won't wake him anyway until we're at the lake."

"Okay. Good night."

"Night Swan," he said as he walked into the living room.

"Night Bells," Charlie murmured from the recliner in front of the television.

It almost seemed that the two of them were planning something by the way they scooted me off to bed. I dismissed the thought as I snuggled into my too small bed with an untamed Tiger. I was sure I'd have bruises in the morning.

Sometime later, I wasn't sure of the exact time, Garrett came into the room. Tiger was no longer in the bed.

"Sweet Swan?" he whispered my name. I rolled to his touch on my shoulder. "Can you wake up? I want to talk to you."

It took me a few seconds to realize that he was sitting on the edge of my bed. The door was closed, the lamp on, and he was fully dressed. These were all bad signs that the fates were about to stomp on my life. I hoped I was overreacting, but Charlie would never allow Garrett to be alone with me, in my room, behind a closed door.

"What's wrong Garrett?"

"I want to ask you something."

"Is everything okay?"

"I want to know if I asked you for a favor, if you'd agree and not ask any questions." He ignored my question.

"I don't know? What's wrong?"

The fall morning carried with it a slight chill. I shivered as I sat up in bed to face Garrett.

"I want you to pack your things and Tiger's and come home with me. Charlie will understand." His voice waivered and he had a smile on his face, like he knew a secret but wouldn't tell it.

"Is something wrong?" I was really getting nervous with him not answering my questions, being so cryptic with his cynical smile. This wasn't going to end well. He was trying to tell me something, of that I was sure, but he feared my reaction.

"Nothing that we can't handle together. Will you come with me now?" He picked up my hand and I could see the passion in his eyes, the same passion I'd seen when he proposed last week. He was begging for my trust. I had no idea whether he was giving me another test. What caused this strange demand? Did it have something to do with some competition with Jacob? They always played silly games and often I was the deciding factor. At four in the morning I wasn't much in the mood for one of those games. When I looked at Garrett, it didn't appear like he was either.

"Will you tell me why when we get home?" His eyes popped up and the usual beautiful blue eyes were now filled with something I'd hope I'd never see ever again. He had pain in his eyes. I shuddered with my own fear. Something was wrong – terribly wrong. He knew what would make it right. I had to trust him. "Never mind, it doesn't matter. I'll pack and we can go," I agreed.

A single tear ran down Garrett's face. "It's too late, precious Swan."

"You're scaring me, Garrett. What's going on? No, don't answer. Let's just go." I moved to rise.

He grabbed my wrists to still me, which was absolutely unacceptable. We had to leave. I swung my legs around to the edge of the bed.

"It's too late." He didn't look at my eyes, but watched my hands as I wiggled from his grasp. I placed my hands on either side of his face and pulled his head. We were brown eyes to blue. I didn't know what was going on. If it was too late then I needed to know _what_ was too late.

"Tell me what's going on."

"I shouldn't have asked you to leave. I knew you would, though. It was wrong to lie to you, wrong to trick you. I met him, Swan." He moved his head away as he grabbed my wrists again.

"Who?" He placed my hands in my lap. Before he answered, I knew. It was so painfully clear. My flippant remark haunted me. _The only thing worse than a non-birthday-party was Cullen showing up._ I didn't want to hear anymore. I had to leave. I had to take Garrett and Tiger and go. I had a life and no one was going to take it away. I stood up. Garrett pulled me back to the bed.

"I never knew you referred to him by his last name. It wasn't until I talked to Charlie after you went to bed last night that I understood why you call our son Tiger." He smiled at me. "You never said anything when I named him."

"He wasn't mine to name," I said, emotionless. I gave up that right when I tried to kill him twice. Garrett knew that.

"But you did name him, Swan, probably more permanently than I did. You should have told me. You should have called him by his name, allow him to help you think differently . . ." He shook his head and turned it towards the window. "Even Charlie should have said something to me."

I was speechless. What could I say? _Let's call the baby by the name that causes me to stop breathing and black out._ It wouldn't have mattered. I hadn't said the name out loud in years because it still caused pain. I didn't tell Garrett that I hadn't planned on sticking around to call anyone anything. I was leaving.

"Garrett, it wouldn't have matter. If you want I'll start calling him by his name today. I'd still be the same. You know that. Besides, until recently I thought his first name was Garrett. You said you named him after yourself. You filled out the paperwork, took him to his doctor's visits. The first time I knew _your_ full name was at your graduation. That was two years after Tiger was born."

"The phone rang last night and I answered each time. You and Charlie seemed to be having such a good time. I'd already talked to everyone at the par—non-party. I didn't want to just sit around doing nothing, so I manned the phones. He called …" Garrett turned his head back to me and smiled. "Later, when Charlie saw the message, he threw it away. He said, 'He calls every year on her birthday to torture her.'"

I gasped. I didn't want to hear anymore, but I didn't move. I couldn't. This wasn't happening, not now. What does all this matter? He doesn't want me. I moved on. He moved on. Why would he call on my birthday? That was the worst day of my year. The day he became distant and pushed me out of his life.

Garrett grabbed my hands. "I asked Charlie why he never gave you the messages and he looked at me like I was insane."

"Charlie was right not to give me the messages. I didn't want them. I don't want them now," I said.

"This message was different though. He wants to see you. Charlie told me the story from his point of view. Not so different from yours, but more complete. When Charlie went to bed, I took the message out of the trash and called. I just left from meeting with him."

I sat forward, dazed. "You went to talk to him?"

"I'm going fishing with Charlie and Tiger. We won't be back until late this afternoon. If you still want to leave we can go then. I don't want to disappoint Tiger and have him miss his fishing trip with his grandfather. The contact information is here on the night stand." Garrett leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.

He left the room. I didn't stop him.

He never even turned around.

I sat on the edge of the bed, too astonished to move. I didn't recognize my emotions, my desires. One thing was certain. I was afraid. Would I lose Garrett? What would happen to Tiger? Would I survive disappointment? Oh, I didn't want to think.

Why would Garrett give me the number? What does _that_ mean? Does he want me to call? Why would he? What had they talked about? Why didn't he tell me what was said? Shit! Shit! Shit!

I was wide awake at four in the morning. I wanted to go back to sleep, but I knew I wouldn't. I wouldn't stay in bed until Garrett returned. I had a lunch date with Angela. We planned to catch up on old times. We were meeting on the Quileute reservation, the only place he couldn't go. I was grateful I wouldn't run into him. I needed a chance to talk to Garrett before I did anything else.

I contemplated leaving. _Why should I run?_ This was my home, my vacation.

I didn't fathom why Garrett left the number. I wouldn't use it.

I sat back and shook my head in total disbelief.

It was amazing how decisions are forced on you. I never really wanted to move to Forks, but Renee was so unhappy. I never wanted to fall in love, but he was so beautiful, just perfect. I never wanted to be without him and he didn't want me. I never wanted a child . . .

I didn't want to talk to him but I knew it would be forced on me. When do I get to control my own fucking life? I was so very angry. The dipshit continued to screw around in my life. He was using Garrett now. Who was next? Tiger? He had to stop whatever sick game he was playing and go back to wherever he'd been for six years.

For a small infinitesimal moment, I wondered if he'd come back to me? I knew he wasn't coming back. This was all too damn impossible.

I reached over and picked up the innocuous slip of paper with his number on it.

* * *

A/N -

Ahh, dum dee dum, a cliffie just for you. This gives you the opportunity to comment/guess what Bella will do with Edward's contact information. Will she or will she not? And what the hell did Vampward tell Garrett that he's not willing to share with Bella? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

I appreciate all the reviews and alerts/favorites. Your comments help, please keep them coming. Our fav vamp is next.


	7. Hello, It's Me

Thanks to Pinenapple for her selfless acts to beta.

All things Twilight belong to Stephanie Meyers. This is only fanfiction and no copyright infringement is intended by this fan.

This story has angst with hope. I am a believer in love and happy endings, especially for B & E. This is Rated MA for profanity, sexually explicit language and any other reason as deemed necessary.

* * *

CHAPTER 7 HELLO, IT'S ME

_"There Once Was A Man" _from the Tony Award musical _The Pajama Game_

_My love's meteoric, it's merely historic_

_A whirlwind, a cyclone on wheels_

_It rocks my whole solar plexus,_

_It's bigger than Texas_

_I just can't tell you how it feels_

_I only know there once was a woman_

_Who loved a man_

**_I walked through the front doors and entered the great open area that spanned the entire floor. The grand circular staircase hung down from the second floor in the middle of the unchanged room. The far wall was glass paneled offering an uninterrupted view of the ancient trees, the river and the woods. There was no carpet on the wood floors except for the rug in front of the three long sofas arranged in front of a massive flat screen television. I tilted my head and saw the grand piano that set on its landing behind the staircase. I was finally home._**

Esme guided me to an original Louis XV dining room table. Once seated, six pairs of eyes scrutinized me. Esme, seated next to Carlisle, absent-mindedly recalled my head injury. Her memory of the gaping hole at the base of my skull was a rather gruesome one. Hesitantly, I lifted my hand to the back of my head and felt the hairless, jagged scar, a chilly reminder of the battle that kept me away from my family. I exhaled, loudly. Esme grimaced at her inadvertent error, and then apologetically smiled. _I'm sorry._ I gently nodded an assurance that I was fine and looked away.

In my haste to rid myself of those graphic images, I listened to Rosalie. I usually avoided Rosalie's thoughts but I needed something mundane to distract me. Uncharacteristically, she was concerned about my possible relapse and attempted to shield her thoughts by concentrating on an innocuous issue of Cosmo. Unfortunately, she lost her concentration when our eyes met and she recalled one of my episodes. I sat naked on my bedroom floor with my knees tucked to my chest and my hands over my ears blocking the thoughts of those around me, while my body rocked back and forward rapidly. A look full of madness was on my face and my eyes were dark and glassed over. My mouth was wide open spewing curses and threats of murder. Rosalie shivered and redirected her thoughts to the last fifty winners of the NASCAR Daytona races.

I was stronger. These images would not break me.

I turned to Emmett who wondered if my physical strength and coordination had been compromised. _You lost a battle to a seal? _Obviously, Emmett could not phantom that the beast weighed over a ton. Its fanged mouth could widen to one-hundred-sixty degrees during an attack. Leopard seals could easily kill Emmett's favorite prey, grizzly bears.

Jasper monitored my emotions searching for signs of mania. His memories of a tantrum seeped through. After I destroyed the piano, I screamed of revenge. My fist gripped the remnants of the piano. _"The beast had too gentle a demise. I will follow it to hell to exact a proper death,"_ I screamed. Jasper sent calming emotions and I slumped to the floor, my face in my hands. _You won't break down, your emotions are stable. I will help, if you need it._

Alice's brow crinkled as she silently examined my future, well aware that I watched. The vast whiteness was interchangeable with various shades of green. It was a muted scene with nothing well defined, perhaps because I had not decided which journey to conquer first.

Finally, I looked at Carlisle. His guarded thoughts were of his family seated at the table. He wanted to help and care for us all.

I was unsure of what was expected. Thankfully, Carlisle spoke, distracting me from everyone's simultaneous thoughts.

"Edward, I know that you are curious, but for now I want you to focus on only a few things. First, you may not look for Bella until I release you from medical care." I sat forward in my chair and opened my mouth to object. My movements caused Carlisle to put his palm up stopping my protestation. "Second, we're only going to be in Forks for a week and you're to stay on our lands and not go into town or Bella's house. Last, the computer in your room has an examination on it that I want you to complete. It will help me to determine where you are in your healing and to develop a plan of treatment. It will take you a few hours, but don't feel rushed."

He tented his fingers and continued. "I know you're anxious to find Bella, but you're not well enough. You're still learning who you are and your place in our world again. It's too soon to add the uncertainty of love and the temptation of human blood. Do you have any questions?"

Jasper and Alice leaned forward and chuckled, having personally witnessed the hours of questions I had already asked. Their laughter was a welcome sound, breaking the somber atmosphere.

We all knew that I was bursting with questions.

I wanted to know more about their lives while I was in seclusion. I wanted to know about Bella. Did she go to college? Was she married? How long before I was fully recovered? I was anxious to start my treatment so I could find Bella. I cocked my head and opened my mouth, debating what to ask.

"Well, I see I must rephrase my question. Do you want to ask any questions?"

I nodded my head. "Yes. How long do you think I will be in treatment?"

"I'm not sure, Edward, there has never been anything like your injuries in the Vampire world. There have been serious injuries, but nothing that caused mental damage. As you know, as long as we have the body parts, a vampire can heal completely. In your case, a small part of your occipital lobe was destroyed."

"I'm not sure I understand."

"Physically, the only evidence of your injury is the hair loss and scar along the back of your head. Psychologically, your brain has had to retrain itself, particularly in the area of time perception."

I pulled at the bridge of my nose. "It's overwhelming. I need to see Bella." My eyes drifted to Jasper's hands that mirrored Carlisle's, now folded on top of the table.

"It may not be long before you're released. You should understand, it may not be a mutual desire. It's been a long time for her." Jasper was preparing me for the worse.

"It'll be enough if I only see her." I wanted to appear patient. "I'm going to work." As I rose from my seat, I heard their thoughts: Carlisle's confidence and Esme's love were most evident and my siblings were glad to have me home. Actually they were all hopeful.

I entered my room and walked to the stereo system. It wasn't my original system; this one was smaller with fewer accessories. I noticed previously add-on components were now built into the music system. The song that I composed for Esme was the first tune that flowed through the small speakers. My piano solo was a flawless, gentle tune. Its melody blossomed throughout the piece and trumpeted motherly love.

I sat at the computer desk and pressed my index finger on the screen. After the first few questions were completed, I found my thoughts drifting away from the exam. I decided to turn off the music in order to help concentrate. I stepped over to the stereo just as a sweet lullaby began. I recognized it as _Bella's Lullaby, _and was mesmerized by it_._ It was like I was sleep walking or in a trance. I stumbled back to the computer and quickly connected to its telephone. I dialed the Swan residence. On the second ring, it was answered.

"Hello," A man answered.

"Hello, this is Edward Cullen. Can I speak to Bella, please? I'd like to wish her a happy birthday."

"Edward?"

"Yes, Chief Swan."

"Dammit, Edward, why do you insist on calling here every year on her birthday? I told you before that there is no way in hell I'm letting you anywhere near my daughter. Wherever you went five years ago, you need to go back there and leave us the hell alone! You are one stupid son of the devil if you think I will ever let you near her again."

"Please, Chief Swan, I'd like to make . . .." The line went dead.

I processed what he told me, as well as what he didn't. The song on my stereo ended. I didn't remember consciously deciding to call Bella's house. I was not in control.

I felt the rage rise in my chest. My hands squeezed tightly around the phone, crushing it into pieces. Charlie said I'd called every year since I left. I lost years of my life. My life was out of my control. An angry growl erupted from my throat and I threw the shattered pieces of my phone across the room.

Five years gone.

A chance encounter with a wicked leopard seal prevented a life with Bella. I twisted my fingers through my hair at the reality of all I had lost. I vowed to make things right.

Within seconds, I was in Carlisle's office. He was sitting in a wing backed leather office chair behind an antique mahogany executive desk. I approached him, probably much too fast. He looked up with his patient eyes and waited for me to speak.

"Carlisle, I just called Bella's house," I confessed. "I've been home less than an hour and I've already betrayed your trust." I purposely hid my rage, another betrayal.

"What happened, Edward?" _I'll decide if you've violated my trust._

I told Carlisle everything that happened since I went into my bedroom, with the exception of my angry vow. He listened intently, clinical. When I finished recounting the events, he walked over to me. He gently rubbed the back of my head. It was a fatherly act, one which I did not deserve because my soul only wanted what it had no right to have.

"Edward, your unconscious seems to be saying something to you that the rest of you can't hear. I believe what Chief Swan told you to be true. Even in your darkness, your soul wanted to make amends with her. Before something triggers you to act beyond a phone call, you have to fully recover. You will have to work very hard. Hopefully the next time you call Chief Swan's house, he won't be able to hang up on you and it won't be on her birthday." _A vampire with an unconscious state of being, I wonder where I'll find that in textbooks?_

How little he understood the depths of my darkest desires. I left Carlisle to his musings and intrigue. Determined to free myself of Carlisle's care, I returned to my room to complete the examination. I didn't want to think about all I'd lost, but I knew I could not make amends without completing my treatment.

I singularly focused on my treatment, which included journaling, counseling and several on-line courses. Because I didn't sleep, within six months, I was able to complete enough credit hours to earn a master's degree in psychology. I completed thousands of journal entries, none as elementary as those I did when I was in Michigan and all omitted my anger.

It had been ten months and I sat in Carlisle's office for what I'd hope was our last counseling session.

"Edward, at our previous session I asked you to read your journals. You've completed enough course work to hold degrees within the doctrine of human psychology, both in the arts and sciences. Now it's time for self-evaluation and analysis." He leaned across the desk, locking his eyes on mine, "You need to write the final report on your diagnosis, treatment and prognosis."

"I'm not sure if I could be objective enough."

"You'll have to be." He said it with the unspoken understanding that if I didn't comprehend all that I'd been through, then there'd be no release for me. We had reached the maximum benefit of treatment, which meant there was nothing more anyone could do for me. It was up to me to take the final step. The college courses and counseling were easy work, but this last task would challenge my resolve for revenge.

I left Carlisle's office and returned to my room. I faced my past. The diagnosis and treatment were easily identified.

Dx:

One: Severe head trauma secondary to animal attack. Desist coma at five years two month. Temporary memory loss resolved; cognitive abilities fully resolved; extra sensory perception unaffected; Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.

Two: Major Depressive Disorder secondary to loss.

When I began reviewing my treatment plan, I found there was little I would have done differently from what Carlisle prescribed. Although, my depression not been treated directly, it occurred to me that I needed to understand my depression and address those issues. Clearly, had my problems been addressed head on, five years ago, rather than my running away to a wilderness then ...

I finished the report. I concluded I was fully recovered from the attack. The depression was another matter that required further treatment. I returned to Carlisle's office less than half an hour later.

"Carlisle," I called. He looked up and smiled. _Back so soon?_

"Yes, we haven't finished treatment," I said to the doctor, who held several licenses in medicine and the Healing Arts.

"What do you mean?" _You're not frightened to be released, are you?_

"No, Carlisle, it's not that. We never treated my depression."

_Ah, now you understand yourself._

I raised my eyebrow at his statement.

"What do you recommend for your treatment?" He asked.

"Well, medication won't be effective, the venom would destroy it. I've just been through ten months of psychoanalysis and I've progressed as far as I can. We talked endlessly about the loss."

"But we never addressed your leaving. What happened?"

"I know it sounds rather trite, but I need to fix the mess. I need to take action."

"And what do you propose to do?" He said it matter-of-factly as if he already knew the answers and was merely waiting for me to catch up.

Unnecessarily, I sat back in my chair, as if to relax. Carlisle didn't need the information and neither did I. This was about finding Bella and explaining it to her. It was about correcting the mistakes. I stood up.

"I'll be back after I tell her." He didn't stop me. He picked up his book and started reading. With that, I was released from his care. I went to Alice's room, sat down and asked.

"Alice, can you please tell me where to find Bella?"

She closed her eyes and I read her mind as she searched for Bella. It didn't take long for a picture of Bella's future to come into view. I focused on her face. She was more mature but just as beautiful. I didn't have time to admire her face, if I wanted to find her. I looked around.

The vision grew away from her blushed face. Standing behind her was a tall blond haired man who was laughing. A curly brown haired boy, about five years old was standing in front of her. Bella and the boy both looked timidly as the picture continued to grow to reveal the crowd of people in front of them in her father's living room in Forks.

"We don't know who they are Edward." Alice's vision ended.

"No, we don't, but we'll find out."

* * *

A/N -

I appreciate all the reviews and alerts/favorites. Your comments help, please keep them coming. Happy New Year to all.


	8. Nice to Meet You

The plot, I've thought

The players, Stephenie Meyers;

A poet, not it

All things Twilight belong to Stephanie Meyers. This is only fanfiction and no copyright infringement is intended by this fangirl.

This story has angst with hope. I am a believer in love and happy endings, especially for B & E. This is Rated MA for profanity, sexually explicit language and any other reason as deemed necessary.

* * *

Chapter 8 NICE MEETING YOU

_Something Wonderful from the Tony Award musical The King and I_

_He will not always say  
What you would have him say,  
But now and then he'll do  
Something Wonderful. _

_I went to Alice's room, sat down and asked, "Can you show me Bella?"_

It's about time_. She smiled, closed her eyes and I read her mind as she searched for Bella. It was hard for me to believe that Bella could be more beautiful but when Alice found her, Bella had perfected her beauty. The picture grew away from her blushed face and standing behind her was a tall blond haired man who was laughing. The picture continued to grow and a curly brown haired boy was standing in front of her. Bella and the boy both looked timidly as the picture continued to grow to reveal the crowd of people in front of them in her living room in Forks. _

_"We don't know anything. We don't know who they are." Alice's vision ended._

_"No, we don't but we'll find out."_

"Jasper will hire someone to find her, if you'd like." _I'm so sorry, Edward._ I didn't need Alice's sympathy, only her foresight. Without saying it, we both knew the vision we had shared was my worse fear. She had a full life, it was also my greatest hope.

"I'm not sure that I want to know, but I have to finish this." I pinched the bridge of my nose and shook my head. It would deserve me right if she were married and raising a family. _Why didn't fate allow me to return?_ "Yes, please find her. Thank you."

"It won't take long, Edward. We should hear something within a few days." She started counting by sevens in Spanish.

"What aren't you telling me Alice?" I inched forward, chest first.

_Are you challenging me?_ She raised her eyebrow and looked at me with clear conviction. "It's none of your business."

"Is it about Bella?"

"Yes." With that she started counting by nines in Arabic. I was angry. First the ugly beast robbed me of reuniting with her six years ago and now Alice was interfering.

"Everything about her is my business!" I roared.

Alice cocked her head to the side. _Is this how you want my help? By intimidation?_

_Fuck._ I could not alienate Alice.

"I'm sorry, Alice. I'll respect your discretion on her behalf." _For now._

Two weeks later I received the report. It was a sterile, report that covered her life beginning with the day she graduated from high school. It gave bare facts, nothing that I could use to determine if she were happy. I destroyed it after I read her son's birth certificate and before I read about her relationship with his father. _What was she thinking when she named the child? _

I walked out of my room and departed for the city of Los Angeles, California. Jasper agreed to join me and, of course, Alice.

_I love her, too._ Alice reminded me.

We arrived in the city on a hot summer evening. Our hotel rooms at the Beverly Hills Hilton, was opulently unnecessary. I reserved the room in case Bella decided to meet me privately. I was not planning on staying otherwise. After we checked-in, we drove to the two multi-building apartment complex where Bella lived. I listened to the thoughts of the residents hoping to find someone who was with her. I found her in the thoughts of a little boy.

"I can see Bella through the eyes of a little boy. She's reading him a story. He's sleepy and he calls her mommy," I told the others. Her voice was light and soothing. Her tone modulated through the various characters in the story.

I grinned when she whispered "I love you" to her son. She gave him a soft kiss on his forehead and walked out of the room. I strained to hear her footsteps but was rewarded with her heartbeat, the most significant sound in the world for me. It held the same pace, even and steady.

"I'm sorry, Edward," Alice said. "It'll be hard for them to be apart."

"I won't separate her from her family." _Unless ..._ My voice filled with rage and unadulterated regret. "If it wasn't for _this_ I'd leave." I pulled my hand through the hair at the back of my head.

"I can walk around to her apartment and read her emotions," Jasper offered.

"No, Jasper. It's her son. She loves him. I want to wait and see if the blond man lives with them. If so, then I'll come back when the child's matured."

I listened to her heartbeat as we sat and waited. It was several hours later that I watched Bella sleeping. The blond man had walked by our parked car minutes before and I followed his thoughts. He was happy to be home.

_"Hey sleeping beauty." _The man's voice had a southern accent, probably from Tennessee.

"Jasper can you feel the emotions from Bella's apartment now?"

"No, they're too far away, do you want me to walk around there now?" Jasper offered.

"No, we won't be here much longer. His name is Garrett, he just woke her up."

_I'm sorry, Edward,_ Alice thought. I rubbed the back of my head. I didn't want her sympathy.

I heard Bella's voice through his mind,_ 'Where've you been?'_ Her voice was full of sleep and as angelic as ever. "She's still somewhat asleep and she's asked: where's he been."

Couldn't he tell she wasn't fully awake? I began to repeat the conversation between Bella and Garrett. I didn't want to live through my eavesdropping twice.

_"'You know.'" _ I responded with Garrett's accent and then raised my voice an octave higher, mimicking Bella's voice.

_"'You left me._

_"'I never left, Swan.'_ She opened her eyes and seems surprised to see him." Her eyes were the same glassy brown, but sad. My silent heart faltered.

_"'Oh, Garrett.'_

_"'Good thing it's man time tomorrow.' _Garrett's turned away and is walking across the room. I can see numerous pictures of the little boy. The room has two couches and Bella is on the smaller one. She's getting up to follow him. He's in the kitchen fixing something to eat," I told Jasper and Alice.

_ "'Yeah, Tiger is looking forward to it. He's made me read the book every night this week.'"_

I gasped at the image of her walking to him, she was breathtaking. Her face was smooth and heart shaped, there was a blush to her cheeks and her chestnut brown hair was pulled back into a ponytail.She walked closer to Garrett and his eyes never left hers as she stroked his arm.

_ "_She is talking to Garrett, rubbing his arm_ 'I'm sorry, I'll be better when I come back.'_

_"'Yeah, I know Swan. It just caught me off guard.' _

_"'Me too.'"_

I started the car. My eavesdropping was much too intrusive and my anger raged. I glanced at Jasper waiting for him to describe my feelings or at least help me to deal with them.

"That had to hurt," he said.

I blew air out of my mouth, he wasn't helping. "It's excruciating. She's afraid of being left. She obviously cares for them."

"Is she happy?" Jasper asked.

"You know her, Jasper. She's selfless. It wouldn't matter if she were happy." I avoided telling him the truth. Her expression in the kitchen was one of care. She hadn't wanted to hurt his feeling with her own insecurities. Yes, she loved Garrett and the little boy very much. I could see it in her face.

My recovery was no longer important, only her happiness. I would leave and never come back again. She had a child and husband. There was no doubt, she loved them.

I no longer had the option of running away, but I had to walk away.

"I think it's time for me to go back home," I announced. I would leave Bella to her child and husband. There was no sense in me interfering with her life. I'd find her again when the child reached adulthood, until then, I would correct my mistake without involving her. My unfinished business could wait a few years.

"Edward, are you sure? We don't know enough and it seems a waste not to at least talk to her." Alice interjected. _You can't leave us._

"The boy thinks of her as his mother, and that's enough. I won't leave until he's older." We were at LAX again, less than six hours after we arrived in Los Angeles. Alice and Jasper decided to stay a little longer. I returned to Michigan. Outwardly, I decided to matriculate into college and wait fifteen years to see Bella. She'd be thirty-eight. Inwardly, I refused to make a decision.

Unfortunately, my subconscious made a decision a few weeks later. On Bella's birthday, as if in a trance, I called the Swan residence. It happened without my permission and I wasn't aware I was doing it until I hung up the phone.

"Hello, this is Edward Cullen can I speak to Bella, please? I'd like to wish her happy birthday."

"Edward?"

"Yes, Chief Swan."

"This isn't Chief Swan. This is Garrett Kent and Isabella isn't able to come to the phone, can I take a message."

"Please, I'd like to make a simple request. Can you tell her I'd like to see her?"

"You're Cullen? Edward Cullen?"

"Yes, I have no right to ask, but if she'd meet me …"

"What's the number she can reach you at?" Garrett interrupted with his southern drawl.

I gave him my number and hung up. Alice came into my room and handed me a rectangular sheet of paper. "You've got a plane to catch."

"I guess so." With that I headed out the door. Alice would tell the others.

I arrived at Port Angeles airport a little after midnight and my phone rang immediately.

"Cullen, this is Garrett Kent, where are you staying?"

"I'm at Johnson's Inn."

"I'll let her know."

Fifteen minutes later I heard a knock at my door. I heard the thoughts of a man on the other side of the door. His eyes were focused on the room number that hung above the peek hole. I had no idea whether it was Garrett and if Bella was with him. I went to the door, pushed down the handle and pulled. There standing in the doorway was a tall muscled man with blond hair and blue eyes. We each eyed up the competition. He was at a disadvantage, I could read his mind.

_Shithead._ It was apparent he didn't have much respect for me. "Cullen?"

"Garrett?" I would play the role of a human. I hated him instantly, he was too large, built like a rock monster and slightly taller than me. His hair was cut above his ears and his bangs fell across his face. He looked like a washed out rendition of a Back Street boy. His thoughts rambled and yet I could tell he had a keen mind. "Please come in. I see Bella isn't with you."

"Observant." This wasn't going to be pleasant. His angry thoughts bloomed. He eyed my hotel room and the lack of personal items to be found. A low growl erupted from my throat, sending a shiver of fear through Garrett. He understood I was dangerous.

Like most humans, he instinctually knew I was a threat to his life. He also had the additional fear that I would steal away with Bella and the boy.

"Let's sit, it'll keep us civil." I sat in the smaller chair with coasters, leaving the larger executive recliner for Garrett. He decided to stand, hoping to have an advantage. He planned to make his visit short. He had one objective: to tell me to go away and leave his family alone.

"This won't take long," Garrett promised. He remained standing, trying to tower over me. I didn't feel threatened and I was amazed that the jealousy and anger were not my dominant emotions. I wondered if it were Mike Newton who I was facing would I be as docile? My calmness was a result of the accident. My more aggressive emotions were reserved for the beast that had separated me from Bella.

"I've come for her, if she'll have me." The words flew out of my mouth. Why the hell did I say that? It wasn't exactly what I believed would happen. Apparently, I wasn't in control of my mind when it came to Bella. Perhaps, I was testing the guy's feelings and commitment to Bella and their son. Whatever the reason, Garrett saw it as a definite challenge.

His heart began to race as the increased adrenaline flowed through his veins. I was glad my thirst was well controlled because his face turned a bright red, his muscles flexed and the veins in his neck and arms popped out.

"You little shit, what gives you have the audacity to come back here and say something so asinine? Do you have any idea about her life?"

I quickly processed his questions and debated which to address first. He'd peaked my interest with his questions, and as with all things Bella, I was immensely curious. I had to know, but I wanted to know from someone who was actually a part of her life, not from some stranger who was hired to submit a report. I was so interested that I felt my body move forward to the edge of my seat, anxious for more information about her life. I said three words, "No. Tell me."

"Why the fuck should I tell you anything. You've been a ghost for the last six years, you left and you should go back to whatever rock you were under and let her be."

"I'm here now and if she'll have me, I want her back." I wanted information on her. Was she happy? Did she enjoy college?

"You need to stop saying that shit, as if you're the only one who matters in her life. She's not some eighteen year old girl. She's a grown woman with responsibilities and you're not one of them. Let me make it clear, Cullen, get the fuck on with your life, she has."

He hadn't told me one damn thing about her life that I didn't already know. I knew she was an adult. I saw that when we were in Los Angeles several weeks ago. I needed more information.

"I can't leave until I talk to her. We have some unfinished business before I can move on. We were teenagers when I left, when I broke up with her – too young to understand how the decision would affect our lives. I want her back, if she'll have me."

"Look asshole, stop telling me you want her back, it doesn't matter. You're too late."

My frustration grew. I was usually the one with the upper hand in a debate, and I wasn't using my talents.

"She has to tell me. I messed up and I need to apologize, make sure she knows the truth. If she wants nothing to do with me, then I'll go." A picture of the little boy flashed through Garrett's thoughts.

"She doesn't want to see you."

"She'll have to tell me. I will talk to her. It might not be today or even this year, but eventually, we'll see each other. I love her and I want her back, if she'll have me."

"She won't see you. She won't talk to you." He recalled her sad face, dark circles under her eyes, as still and cold as a statue. _'Let me find him,' _Garrett begged. _'No, I don't want him in my life, there's nothing for us to talk about or settle. We were children and I can't bring that part of my childhood into my life."_

"I will see her. I will talk to her. When we're finished, I'll leave – if that's what she wants."

"You don't get it do you? You left her so fucked up, that when I met her, she was an emotional basket case. I helped her go through counseling, find some peace within herself, so she could love me and our child."

"Is she happy?"

"You know she cries every time we make love? At first I thought it was from our passion, because of her love for me, until she started hiding it. Can you imagine how she must feel? Hiding something like that from the man you love? She thinks she's unworthy of love. We haven't talked about you in a very long time because she's grown past your puppy love and has moved on to an adult relationship. Yes, she's happy."

"How old is the boy?"

"Our son is four." There was a tone of contempt in his voice. _Keep my son out of your thoughts, you won't have him either. _"He's so much like her. You know she got pregnant the first time we had sex? After all the shit you put her through – you hadn't even had sex. Yet -"

His mind drifted to a memory. '_I'm not having it!' _ And then another, "_Love me, Garrett."_

"We fought about the baby. She went to get an abortion – an abortion." Garrett shook his head in disgust. "I stopped her and she thanks me for it. The world is a better place because of our son. She can't leave her son and I won't be without him either." _If you'd made her pregnant she'd have had the kid, but I had to fight for my son's life. My goodness what does she see in _him_? _

_"_I'll be damned if I let some punk ass jerk come in and take his mother away from him. She won't be with you and neither will my son. She's been through enough because of you. You should leave and never come back."

"Look Garrett, I have no right to her. I forfeited that. You're the one she's with every night. You're the father of her child. You both are well within your rights to tell me to go to hell, and if she does that, then I will go and not return. I'll not take her away from her child but once he is an adult, I'll be back. _You_ don't get it, our love is forever and beyond our ages."

"No. You don't get it. You've fucked up her life once and no one will allow you to do it again. You're not going to see her. You're going to pack your shit up and go crawl back under your rock."

"I can't agree to that."

"You better bloody hell. This is my life, my family and I will not give it up easily. You had your chance and you threw it away, for some unknown childish reason. Well that's too bad. She's not some toy you can play with and discard and pick it back up whenever you wish. She's been through enough and she has no more room in her heart for disappointment."

"Weeks after I left, I was on my way back to her when I was in a terrible accident that took my life away from me for over five years. Five years I've lost, lying around in what the doctors call a semi-vegetative state. Then one day something changed, and I slowly recovered. I'm not looking for your sympathy or for you to roll over, but you have to know – I was coming back. I know I'm too late. I know she's better with you than she could've been with me. I know I'll never be able to separate her from her child. I know all these things."

"Good then turn your ass around and get the fuck out of here."

"I will, if I can. You see, the one thing, the only thing that was consistent during that time was my desire to come back to her. She's the last part of my recovery."

"That's bullshit! Charlie told me how you've called on her birthday every year since you left. I don't give a fuck if you 'need' to see her. You're as recovered as you're going to get."

"The doctors say my calling her was a subconscious action, much like breathing. I didn't even know I'd called yesterday. You talked to me - bringing the conversation into reality. I'm told they tried unsuccessfully to stop me in the past. At any rate, I don't think I'll be able to leave without talking to her."

"I don't believe you, this is just some ruse. You're not going to see her."

"Garrett, you know her. You love her. You've had other loves before her. Was it possible for you to move on until you'd done everything you could to make sure it wasn't right? I'll make you a promise. I won't tell her of my injuries or that I want her back. I think I can recover without those things, but if she wants me – I won't leave."

"Fuck you."

"I think it's time for you to leave. You've got my number, you should give it to her, it will be better to do this while she has her family and friends around for support and to remind her what an asshole I've been, rather than to wait until you're back in California."

Garrett turned to the door, he paused and looked at me, "She never used your first name, always called you Cullen. I didn't even know it until you said it yesterday. You can't imagine how foolish I felt when I found out. I never use my first name, never have – my son doesn't either, just a family tradition to name the boys Edward. I'm not sure she even knew my first name until we filled out his birth certificate, not that she cared. She refused to name the baby – wasn't paying attention or too depressed to notice, I'm not sure which. But she never really knew it until a few weeks ago when we went to register Tiger for school. It didn't break her, but … I'm really sorry for your ordeals, but that has nothing to do with us now and I'd appreciate it if you stay away from my family."

And with that he walked out the door. I could hear him debate with himself and finally decide that he'd give Bella my contact information.

I replayed our conversation in my head. And there were a few things certain. One, both of us was very much in love with Bella. Two, my unconscious was becoming more insistent on contacting Bella. And three I would have to wait for her to call.

* * *

A/N -

I appreciate all the reviews and alerts/favorites.

So the two are in the same time….

Okay Amigas, this is the deal - I've got to get to the happily ever after. So as my New Year's resolution, I am going to finish this story as quickly as possible. I am apologizing ahead of time for grammar and punctuation errors. Also, the chapters will be shorter, but posted more frequently. Hold on bffs we're going on a journey. Next chapter within the week.

Comment, if you'd like.


	9. Try Not To Cry

The plot, I've thought

The players, Stephenie Meyers;

A poet, not it

All things Twilight belong to Stephanie Meyers. This is only fanfiction and no copyright infringement is intended by this fangirl.

This story has angst with hope. I am a believer in love and happy endings, especially for B & E. This is Rated MA for profanity, sexually explicit language and any other reason as deemed necessary.

* * *

**Chapter 9 TRY NOT TO CRY**

"Prayer of the Comfort Counselor" 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, Tony Award Musical

_All you need  
Is strength to pretend it's no big deal  
Try to look like you don't care  
Try not to cry, lord  
In front of your brother  
Don't embarrass your mother  
Not your mother  
Make your exit with care  
That is my prayer_

**_But for a small infinitesimal moment, I wondered if it were possible that he'd come back for me? I knew he lied when he said he didn't love me, but I also knew he wasn't coming back. This was all too damn impossible. _**

**_I reached over and picked up the innocuous slip of paper with his number on it._**

Who was I kidding? That paper was a death warrant. My slumber of a life was over. Tears welled in my eyes.

I balled the paper up, threw it in the trashcan and hoped that the inevitable would follow. Of course I had already memorized the information. It was such a bad habit reading everything.

I grabbed my cell phone and looked at the time. Four in the morning, it was still dark outside. Too early to call Renee and ask for advice – it was two her time. I quickly went through the short list of friends I could call at four in the morning to ask for advice or at least vent my fears. There was Jacob, but he'd be so angry I'd have to calm him down. There was . . . I considered one of my classmates I'd met from college, but they'd probably say Bella Swan who. Ultimately there was no one else to call.

After I punched in the numbers with more force than necessary, I pressed send and waited for him to answer, "Hello?"

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" My teeth clinched with each word.

"It's her." Garrett whispered apparently to Charlie who seemed to be in on this whole god awful situation.

"Get your ass back here - you've got some explaining to do."

"Your dad said you'd be pissed."

"I want to know what the hell is going on and why you drop that shit ass bomb in my lap this morning and leave without any explanations."

"Look Swan, I'm going fishing with your dad and son. We've been through all this stuff for years and you know how I feel. You know how _you_ feel. Now it's your turn to be brave. You know what you've got to do."

"Stop goading me Garrett. I'm not scared of him. I just want the same information you have. What the hell did you all talk about?"

"We're not married, Swan. I couldn't tell him to leave my wife alone."

"Damn, Garrett, that's not fair." Not only was it not fair, it was hurtful. He didn't fight for me. I fought the lump in my throat. He was hurt, I knew that. Confusion filled me with anger. I needed Garrett and he was being an asshole. "Are you coming back?"

"I don't have a way."

"Can I come get you?" I choked.

"Will you say anything new?"

"We can figure this out together. I want to know what was said. "

"I did what was expected of me as your boyfriend. I couldn't even tell him to leave my fiancée alone – you already know what was said, Swan. You're avoiding the question. Are _you_ going to say something different?"

"You know you're really pissing me off." I felt my blood begin to boil.

"Why would you be angry with me? I'm here. I've defended you within the confines of our relationship. I've loved you. I've been with you for five years and I want you for the rest of my life. You love me, but - I can't handle this for you the way our relationship stands." He paused and cleared his throat. "Now, if you want me to do something more, then make me more. Once you do that, we can invite the little shit over, hold hands and together kick him out of our lives forever."

"That's . . . Y-You're being a real shit," and I hung up and began to beat the crap out of my pillow.

All these people decided what and when I should make decisions. I never took charge. It was my own fucking fault. I abdicated my life. I was uncommitted. I went with the flow and only made decisions when I absolutely had to and even then it was never anything substantive. Garrett has forcing me to decide. Obviously, my dad was on Garrett's side. I was alone and faced with a horrible decision. I needed bravery to call _him_.

Damn.

I didn't want to talk to Edward. I didn't want to talk to Garrett. I didn't want to cry. It was so easy to know what I didn't want. I didn't want _him_ to leave me all those years ago. I didn't want _him_ to come back.

I hated this.

The uncertainty.

_Could I hope?_

It was foolish to hope. I was an adult with a family and I was acting like a child.

Why did Garrett dismiss me? He was almost cruel. He'd talked to Edward. What did Edward say? Whatever was said, Garrett was forcing me to take action.

Why was _he_ asking to see me? Was his family okay? Was there a new threat? Why did Garrett ask me to pack up and leave then turn around and say it was too late?

The unanswered questions pounded through my mind. The questions shook my fragile life. I examined the possible outcomes. Ultimately, there were only two choices: Call or not.

By the time I was finished, my mind was decided. There was no reason to put off the inevitable. I picked up the phone and dialed.

"I'm sorry I hung up on you."

"No, hello?" There was a bit of irritation in his voice.

"I'm still pissed." There was no sugar in my voice, total vinegar, but just enough pepper to make it manageable for Garrett to let go of his defensiveness.

"Do you still want to come get me?"

"No. I'm going to visit an old friend so I won't have time."

"Okay. I always knew you weren't a coward. He is, but not you. You can get rid of him."

"Easy as pie," I said sweetly. I was going to eventually marry this man once we got through this mess. Maybe.

I made my decision – I wasn't about to second guess myself. I was much too stubborn and impatient to debate the same issues again and again.

I looked at the clock and it was barely six. I went downstairs and made myself a bowl of cereal. I ate very slowly. Then I cleaned Charlie's house, removing dust and grime even where none existed. Apparently he had a housekeeper. Three hours later, I was finished and more resolved.

"Hey Angela."

"Hi, Bella. How are you?"

"Good. Well, I'm not really sure. You got a moment?"

"What's going on?"

With that simple prompt, I began. "You know I haven't heard from Edward since he moved away?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he called last night to wish me happy birthday. Garrett took the message and ended up meeting him. They talked for hours and then this morning Garrett just gives me Edward's number and address. Garrett refused to tell me what they talked about. He did say that Edward wanted to talk to me."

"Well, did he tell you to call or see Edward?"

"No. That was the thing that upset me the most. He seemed indifferent. He told me I wasn't a coward and that Edward was."

"So what are you going to do?"

"I don't want to do anything, but I know that is not an option. I'm going to talk to Edward."

"You want me to go with you?"

"No. I can handle this." I encouraged myself. I had lived through six years of pain, I could handle whatever would come next. I made arrangements to meet Angela the following day and she wished me luck. I laughed. Luck was something that always eluded me.

I went upstairs to shower and get dressed. I was inexplicable concerned with what I would wear to meet Edward. It wasn't like it actually made a difference. I wasn't going to seduce Edward, but I could make him regret leaving me. I examined myself in the mirror. I didn't have a gleam in my eyes or a happy glow that came with being twenty-five years old.

Why wasn't I more glamorous?

I wasn't an elegant woman. I was plain old Bella. Jeans. Shirt. No makeup. No fancy hairstyle. Except for ridding myself of my teenage youthfulness, not much had changed about me since the last time he'd seen me. I debated whether to put on mascara and blush. Ultimately, it would be futile – he didn't want me.

I cringed at the thought that Edward would look exactly the same. He did not age. He was beautiful, elegant and enormously talented. I was not his equal. I was a distraction.

I turned, picked up my car keys and purse and headed to the door. After fidgeting with the deadbolt, balancing my purse that slide off my shoulder, I stumbled to the car. I looked up and realized that there was someone standing in front of the house.

"What are you doing here?"

"Hey, Bells. That's some greeting for your best friend."

"Well, I wasn't expecting you, Jacob. I was just on my way out."

"Oh, where're you headed? I was hoping we could have breakfast together and spend the day at the Heritage Festival – I've got connections." He wagged his eyebrows.

"I've already made plans for today. We're going to the festival tomorrow."

"I know the guys went fishing and I figured that this may be our only chance to spend time along. Can't you push your plans back? At least have breakfast with me."

"I'm really sorry, Jacob. I've already made plans. What about tomorrow for breakfast instead?"

"Look, Bella. I really need to talk with you – get your advice. It won't take long. What do you have to do that's more important than helping out your best friend?"

"Fine, Jacob. I could probably use some of your advice as well. Where are we going?"

"Well don't sound so happy about spending time with me."

"I'm sorry, Jake. It's just been a lousy morning. Where do you want to go?"

"I know this great place, you'll love it and I promise your morning will be better. Hop in, I'm driving."

"Okay, just as long as you get me back by eleven."

With that we jumped into his custom re-built Volkswagen Rabbit and chugged down the road. I took in the view of the woods that surrounded us and relaxed. Being with Jacob made me feel better. It also had the added benefit of delaying the "Edward problem."

"So Jacob, what did you want to talk with me about?"

"Let's wait until after breakfast."

The weather was still cool from the morning air and cloudy skies. It was great weather for fishing. My mind wandered to the fishing trip Tiger was on with his father and grandfather. The event was the most important thing in his world and I was glad Garrett hadn't cancelled it. Envy rose within me at the ease with which children became so enthralled in their own world that nothing else seemed to matter. My life was never like that.

When I finally finished my wanderings, I found that Jacob had driven us to La Push, some thirty miles away from my childhood home. We were parked at First Beach.

"There are restaurants on First Beach now?"

"No, Bella." He reached around and grabbed a sack and jumped out of the car. I followed and we walked to our old spot. It was a cove facing west with an ancient dead tree protruding out of the sand for us to sit on. He opened the bag he brought from the car and handed me a banana, juice box and donut.

"Breakfast," he said with a wide grin.

"Thanks. Sorry you went through so much trouble. What's going on with you?"

"I heard Edward's in town."

My head snapped up. I was set-up, again. This was damn frustrating. "How did you know?"

"It's a small town, Bella. Everyone knows everything. When did you find out?"

"This morning. Why are we here?" Did he know I was headed to see Edward? When was I going to take control of my own life without all this interference from people who . . . love me? My blood began to boil. Another decision was being forced upon me and at this point, either I'd take control or leave it to Jacob. He stared silently at me.

"You've got three minutes before I leave Jacob."

"I'm just being an ear for you. You aren't going to see him, are you?"

"I really don't see how that's any concern of yours."

"I'll go with you if you want. Kick his ass werewolf style."

I chuckled. "Honestly, Jacob. I don't see how it's your business."

"I care. You were so broken and you still carry the pain. I don't want you to go through that again."

"Jacob, I'm not your responsibility. What did Garrett tell you?"

"What makes you think that he…"

He stopped mid-sentence when he saw the impatience on my face. I wasn't in the mood for playing games.

"Garrett told me that he met Edward and it would be a good idea for me to stop by and check on you. I figured I'd do much better than check on you. I wanted to distract you."

"That's all he said?"

"Yeah. He told you he met Edward?"

"Yes. He even gave me Edward's number."

"He did!" Jacob's mouth dropped open. "Incredible," he muttered. "What was he thinking?"

"I don't know."

"What did they talk about?"

"I don't know."

"Well, Edward didn't hurt Garrett. I guess they got along pretty well then?"

"Garrett said he told Edward what any 'boyfriend' would tell an ex."

"That doesn't sound like he was fighting for you."

"He offered to invite him over, hold my hand and get rid of him, as my fiancée. If I agreed to marry him."

"Wow. That's really messed up."

"Tell me about it."

"So what are you going to do?"

"That's none of your business, Jacob. You can take me home now."

"Oh, Bella don't be like that. I'm sorry, I won't ask again. You should at least stop by and see the pack while you're here, besides Garrett won't be home 'til later." He said it in a way that I knew he was creating reasons for me not to see Edward. I wasn't going to fall for his manipulation.

As we headed back to Jacob's car, I had an epiphany. _He_ waited six years to see me and could wait a few hours. I wanted to see Garrett first. I spun around to face Jacob. "You're right. It would be nice to see the boys and Emily."

We drove over to Sam and Emily's house and I spent time with my Quileute family in peace. I was grateful for the distraction and the chance to gather my emotions before I spoke to Garrett and Edward.

We roamed around the festival enjoying the various arts and crafts. Jacob left me when he was called to handle a situation. Eventually, I was ready to see Garrett. When I went to find Jacob to take me home, no one knew where he was.

"Garrett, I need a ride home."

"You okay, Swan?"

"Yes, Jacob kidnapped me and forced me to spend the day with at the Heritage Festival and he's disappeared, so unless you come and get me, I'll be here until tomorrow."

"We're on our way."

"Thanks. Is Tiger there?"

"Yeah, let me get him for you."

"Hi, Mommy." And with the sound of his voice all was right with the world. He told me about the 'big one that got away' and that he was going to play baseball with his grandfather and he'd see me when I get home. I was a bit relieved, he hadn't missed me. 'Man time' was a success.

I sat at the entrance to the festival and waited for Garrett. I debated whether or not to call my mom, but didn't. She wasn't much help. She adored Garrett and anything to take me away from him she would not be in favor of.

"Hi, Swan." He leaped out of the car and gave me a hug, planting a kiss on my lips.

"You do know I'm still pissed at you." I said.

"Yeah, well I'm not absolutely thrilled with you either. There's a lot you never told me but should have."

He opened the door for me and I climbed in. Once he was seated, I asked, "What does that mean Garrett?"

"It means that your high school crush has controlled your without being in it. I'm ready for us to move forward. I can't wait until you decide what you're going to do. I've got a son to think about. You need to commit."

"Are you trying to make this harder than it already is?"

"Swan, we've been through this so many times and I'm tired of living in limbo. I know it's not the best timing –"

"You think?"

"But I'm not going to sit around and watch you pine for someone else."

"This isn't the best time Garrett. You're giving me an ultimatum and you won't like my decision."

"Hell, at least it will be a decision."

"I can't handle this. It's too much pressure."

"You will handle this!"

"What do you want me to say?"

"Say, that you'll go home with me now."

"You want me to run away and never close this chapter in my life? For the first time in six years I can face him and move on – how can I not take that opportunity? For you? For Tiger?"

He pulled the car over. I looked at the entrance to where Edward was staying. I glared at Garrett.

"Let's go Swan!" Garrett yelled.

* * *

**A/N -**

**I appreciate all the reviews and alerts/favorites. Thank you so much. **

**So the two are in the same time, same place. Next chapter within the week.**

**Amigas, comment, if you'd like.**

"Prayer of the Comfort Counselor" 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, Tony Award Musical

_All you need  
Is strength to pretend it's no big deal  
Try to look like you don't care  
Try not to cry, lord  
In front of your brother  
Don't embarrass your mother  
Not your mother  
Make your exit with care  
That is my prayer_

**_But for a small infinitesimal moment, I wondered if it were possible that he'd come back for me? I knew he lied when he said he didn't love me, but I also knew he wasn't coming back. This was all too damn impossible. _**

**_I reached over and picked up the innocuous slip of paper with his number on it._**

Who was I kidding? That paper was a death warrant. My slumber of a life was over. Tears welled in my eyes.

I balled the paper up, threw it in the trashcan and hoped that the inevitable would follow. Of course I had already memorized the information. It was such a bad habit reading everything.

I grabbed my cell phone and looked at the time. Four in the morning, it was still dark outside. Too early to call Renee and ask for advice – it was two her time. I quickly went through the short list of friends I could call at four in the morning to ask for advice or at least vent my fears. There was Jacob, but he'd be so angry I'd have to calm him down. There was . . . I considered one of my classmates I'd met from college, but they'd probably say Bella Swan who. Ultimately there was no one else to call.

After I punched in the numbers with more force than necessary, I pressed send and waited for him to answer, "Hello?"

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" My teeth clinched with each word.

"It's her." Garrett whispered apparently to Charlie who seemed to be in on this whole god awful situation.

"Get your ass back here - you've got some explaining to do."

"Your dad said you'd be pissed."

"I want to know what the hell is going on and why you drop that shit ass bomb in my lap this morning and leave without any explanations."

"Look Swan, I'm going fishing with your dad and son. We've been through all this stuff for years and you know how I feel. You know how _you_ feel. Now it's your turn to be brave. You know what you've got to do."

"Stop goading me Garrett. I'm not scared of him. I just want the same information you have. What the hell did you all talk about?"

"We're not married, Swan. I couldn't tell him to leave my wife alone."

"Damn, Garrett, that's not fair." Not only was it not fair, it was hurtful. He didn't fight for me. I fought the lump in my throat. He was hurt, I knew that. Confusion filled me with anger. I needed Garrett and he was being an asshole. "Are you coming back?"

"I don't have a way."

"Can I come get you?" I choked.

"Will you say anything new?"

"We can figure this out together. I want to know what was said. "

"I did what was expected of me as your boyfriend. I couldn't even tell him to leave my fiancée alone – you already know what was said, Swan. You're avoiding the question. Are _you_ going to say something different?"

"You know you're really pissing me off." I felt my blood begin to boil.

"Why would you be angry with me? I'm here. I've defended you within the confines of our relationship. I've loved you. I've been with you for five years and I want you for the rest of my life. You love me, but - I can't handle this for you the way our relationship stands." He paused and cleared his throat. "Now, if you want me to do something more, then make me more. Once you do that, we can invite the little shit over, hold hands and together kick him out of our lives forever."

"That's . . . Y-You're being a real shit," and I hung up and began to beat the crap out of my pillow.

All these people decided what and when I should make decisions. I never took charge. It was my own fucking fault. I abdicated my life. I was uncommitted. I went with the flow and only made decisions when I absolutely had to and even then it was never anything substantive. Garrett has forcing me to decide. Obviously, my dad was on Garrett's side. I was alone and faced with a horrible decision. I needed bravery to call _him_.

Damn.

I didn't want to talk to Edward. I didn't want to talk to Garrett. I didn't want to cry. It was so easy to know what I didn't want. I didn't want _him_ to leave me all those years ago. I didn't want _him_ to come back.

I hated this.

The uncertainty.

_Could I hope?_

It was foolish to hope. I was an adult with a family and I was acting like a child.

Why did Garrett dismiss me? He was almost cruel. He'd talked to Edward. What did Edward say? Whatever was said, Garrett was forcing me to take action.

Why was _he_ asking to see me? Was his family okay? Was there a new threat? Why did Garrett ask me to pack up and leave then turn around and say it was too late?

The unanswered questions pounded through my mind. The questions shook my fragile life. I examined the possible outcomes. Ultimately, there were only two choices: Call or not.

By the time I was finished, my mind was decided. There was no reason to put off the inevitable. I picked up the phone and dialed.

"I'm sorry I hung up on you."

"No, hello?" There was a bit of irritation in his voice.

"I'm still pissed." There was no sugar in my voice, total vinegar, but just enough pepper to make it manageable for Garrett to let go of his defensiveness.

"Do you still want to come get me?"

"No. I'm going to visit an old friend so I won't have time."

"Okay. I always knew you weren't a coward. He is, but not you. You can get rid of him."

"Easy as pie," I said sweetly. I was going to eventually marry this man once we got through this mess. Maybe.

I made my decision – I wasn't about to second guess myself. I was much too stubborn and impatient to debate the same issues again and again.

I looked at the clock and it was barely six. I went downstairs and made myself a bowl of cereal. I ate very slowly. Then I cleaned Charlie's house, removing dust and grime even where none existed. Apparently he had a housekeeper. Three hours later, I was finished and more resolved.

"Hey Angela."

"Hi, Bella. How are you?"

"Good. Well, I'm not really sure. You got a moment?"

"What's going on?"

With that simple prompt, I began. "You know I haven't heard from Edward since he moved away?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he called last night to wish me happy birthday. Garrett took the message and ended up meeting him. They talked for hours and then this morning Garrett just gives me Edward's number and address. Garrett refused to tell me what they talked about. He did say that Edward wanted to talk to me."

"Well, did he tell you to call or see Edward?"

"No. That was the thing that upset me the most. He seemed indifferent. He told me I wasn't a coward and that Edward was."

"So what are you going to do?"

"I don't want to do anything, but I know that is not an option. I'm going to talk to Edward."

"You want me to go with you?"

"No. I can handle this." I encouraged myself. I had lived through six years of pain, I could handle whatever would come next. I made arrangements to meet Angela the following day and she wished me luck. I laughed. Luck was something that always eluded me.

I went upstairs to shower and get dressed. I was inexplicable concerned with what I would wear to meet Edward. It wasn't like it actually made a difference. I wasn't going to seduce Edward, but I could make him regret leaving me. I examined myself in the mirror. I didn't have a gleam in my eyes or a happy glow that came with being twenty-five years old.

Why wasn't I more glamorous?

I wasn't an elegant woman. I was plain old Bella. Jeans. Shirt. No makeup. No fancy hairstyle. Except for ridding myself of my teenage youthfulness, not much had changed about me since the last time he'd seen me. I debated whether to put on mascara and blush. Ultimately, it would be futile – he didn't want me.

I cringed at the thought that Edward would look exactly the same. He did not age. He was beautiful, elegant and enormously talented. I was not his equal. I was a distraction.

I turned, picked up my car keys and purse and headed to the door. After fidgeting with the deadbolt, balancing my purse that slide off my shoulder, I stumbled to the car. I looked up and realized that there was someone standing in front of the house.

"What are you doing here?"

"Hey, Bells. That's some greeting for your best friend."

"Well, I wasn't expecting you, Jacob. I was just on my way out."

"Oh, where're you headed? I was hoping we could have breakfast together and spend the day at the Heritage Festival – I've got connections." He wagged his eyebrows.

"I've already made plans for today. We're going to the festival tomorrow."

"I know the guys went fishing and I figured that this may be our only chance to spend time along. Can't you push your plans back? At least have breakfast with me."

"I'm really sorry, Jacob. I've already made plans. What about tomorrow for breakfast instead?"

"Look, Bella. I really need to talk with you – get your advice. It won't take long. What do you have to do that's more important than helping out your best friend?"

"Fine, Jacob. I could probably use some of your advice as well. Where are we going?"

"Well don't sound so happy about spending time with me."

"I'm sorry, Jake. It's just been a lousy morning. Where do you want to go?"

"I know this great place, you'll love it and I promise your morning will be better. Hop in, I'm driving."

"Okay, just as long as you get me back by eleven."

With that we jumped into his custom re-built Volkswagen Rabbit and chugged down the road. I took in the view of the woods that surrounded us and relaxed. Being with Jacob made me feel better. It also had the added benefit of delaying the "Edward problem."

"So Jacob, what did you want to talk with me about?"

"Let's wait until after breakfast."

The weather was still cool from the morning air and cloudy skies. It was great weather for fishing. My mind wandered to the fishing trip Tiger was on with his father and grandfather. The event was the most important thing in his world and I was glad Garrett hadn't cancelled it. Envy rose within me at the ease with which children became so enthralled in their own world that nothing else seemed to matter. My life was never like that.

When I finally finished my wanderings, I found that Jacob had driven us to La Push, some thirty miles away from my childhood home. We were parked at First Beach.

"There are restaurants on First Beach now?"

"No, Bella." He reached around and grabbed a sack and jumped out of the car. I followed and we walked to our old spot. It was a cove facing west with an ancient dead tree protruding out of the sand for us to sit on. He opened the bag he brought from the car and handed me a banana, juice box and donut.

"Breakfast," he said with a wide grin.

"Thanks. Sorry you went through so much trouble. What's going on with you?"

"I heard Edward's in town."

My head snapped up. I was set-up, again. This was damn frustrating. "How did you know?"

"It's a small town, Bella. Everyone knows everything. When did you find out?"

"This morning. Why are we here?" Did he know I was headed to see Edward? When was I going to take control of my own life without all this interference from people who . . . love me? My blood began to boil. Another decision was being forced upon me and at this point, either I'd take control or leave it to Jacob. He stared silently at me.

"You've got three minutes before I leave Jacob."

"I'm just being an ear for you. You aren't going to see him, are you?"

"I really don't see how that's any concern of yours."

"I'll go with you if you want. Kick his ass werewolf style."

I chuckled. "Honestly, Jacob. I don't see how it's your business."

"I care. You were so broken and you still carry the pain. I don't want you to go through that again."

"Jacob, I'm not your responsibility. What did Garrett tell you?"

"What makes you think that he…"

He stopped mid-sentence when he saw the impatience on my face. I wasn't in the mood for playing games.

"Garrett told me that he met Edward and it would be a good idea for me to stop by and check on you. I figured I'd do much better than check on you. I wanted to distract you."

"That's all he said?"

"Yeah. He told you he met Edward?"

"Yes. He even gave me Edward's number."

"He did!" Jacob's mouth dropped open. "Incredible," he muttered. "What was he thinking?"

"I don't know."

"What did they talk about?"

"I don't know."

"Well, Edward didn't hurt Garrett. I guess they got along pretty well then?"

"Garrett said he told Edward what any 'boyfriend' would tell an ex."

"That doesn't sound like he was fighting for you."

"He offered to invite him over, hold my hand and get rid of him, as my fiancée. If I agreed to marry him."

"Wow. That's really messed up."

"Tell me about it."

"So what are you going to do?"

"That's none of your business, Jacob. You can take me home now."

"Oh, Bella don't be like that. I'm sorry, I won't ask again. You should at least stop by and see the pack while you're here, besides Garrett won't be home 'til later." He said it in a way that I knew he was creating reasons for me not to see Edward. I wasn't going to fall for his manipulation.

As we headed back to Jacob's car, I had an epiphany. _He_ waited six years to see me and could wait a few hours. I wanted to see Garrett first. I spun around to face Jacob. "You're right. It would be nice to see the boys and Emily."

We drove over to Sam and Emily's house and I spent time with my Quileute family in peace. I was grateful for the distraction and the chance to gather my emotions before I spoke to Garrett and Edward.

We roamed around the festival enjoying the various arts and crafts. Jacob left me when he was called to handle a situation. Eventually, I was ready to see Garrett. When I went to find Jacob to take me home, no one knew where he was.

"Garrett, I need a ride home."

"You okay, Swan?"

"Yes, Jacob kidnapped me and forced me to spend the day with at the Heritage Festival and he's disappeared, so unless you come and get me, I'll be here until tomorrow."

"We're on our way."

"Thanks. Is Tiger there?"

"Yeah, let me get him for you."

"Hi, Mommy." And with the sound of his voice all was right with the world. He told me about the 'big one that got away' and that he was going to play baseball with his grandfather and he'd see me when I get home. I was a bit relieved, he hadn't missed me. 'Man time' was a success.

I sat at the entrance to the festival and waited for Garrett. I debated whether or not to call my mom, but didn't. She wasn't much help. She adored Garrett and anything to take me away from him she would not be in favor of.

"Hi, Swan." He leaped out of the car and gave me a hug, planting a kiss on my lips.

"You do know I'm still pissed at you." I said.

"Yeah, well I'm not absolutely thrilled with you either. There's a lot you never told me but should have."

He opened the door for me and I climbed in. Once he was seated, I asked, "What does that mean Garrett?"

"It means that your high school crush has controlled your without being in it. I'm ready for us to move forward. I can't wait until you decide what you're going to do. I've got a son to think about. You need to commit."

"Are you trying to make this harder than it already is?"

"Swan, we've been through this so many times and I'm tired of living in limbo. I know it's not the best timing –"

"You think?"

"But I'm not going to sit around and watch you pine for someone else."

"This isn't the best time Garrett. You're giving me an ultimatum and you won't like my decision."

"Hell, at least it will be a decision."

"I can't handle this. It's too much pressure."

"You will handle this!"

"What do you want me to say?"

"Say, that you'll go home with me now."

"You want me to run away and never close this chapter in my life? For the first time in six years I can face him and move on – how can I not take that opportunity? For you? For Tiger?"

He pulled the car over. I looked at the entrance to where Edward was staying. I glared at Garrett.

"Let's go Swan!"


	10. Together

All things Twilight belong to SM but we can always play.

* * *

Chapter 10 TOGETHER

_Something Wonderful from the Tony Award musical The King and I_

_He has a thousand dreams  
That won't come true,  
You know that he believes in them  
And that's enough for you.  
_

**And with that Garrett walked out the door. I could hear him debate with himself and finally decide that he'd give Bella my contact information. It would have been easier had he given me hers.**

**I replayed our conversation in my head. And there were only a few things certain. One, both of us was very much in love with Bella. Two, my unconscious was uncontrolled. And three I would have to wait for her call.**

Like all things in my life, I was thinking, evaluating and contemplating them over and again. As Alice would say, I was over analyzing; there wasn't much success in it though. I mean, where did Bella find this guy who didn't even know her? He loved her but he had no idea who she was apart from the mother of his child.

He barely understood himself. His simplistic naivety made him ignorant and useless. How could someone so dull fathom to comprehend someone as complicated, extraordinary and mystical as Bella?

Moreover, his eyes were too close together, his fingers were stubby with severe knuckles and his nose was crooked. He smelled of rank fish with a hint of . . . freesia.

Who was I kidding? Of course there was really nothing wrong with the guy other than he was with Bella and I wasn't. I resigned that he probably knew her well enough to trust that she would make the responsible decision.

For some reason, jealousy hadn't completely overwhelmed the situation. I wasn't exactly sure if my jealousy was at bay because of the accident or not. I certainly deserved what fate was offering. Perhaps my jealousy was only reserved for Mike Newton. Perhaps, I just wanted Bella to be happy and Kyle made her happy. Whatever the reason, I questioned my desire to see her.

I left because it was unsafe for Bella. Nothing had changed. Over the years, my family watched me on her birthday and prevented my subconscious from doing anything rash. The beast was anxious.

There were so many unanswered questions. Why did I develop an unconscious state of being? Was it to help during my recovery? If so, why was it still active? I was better.

I considered Bella's life. She was married with a child. The kid was beautiful and she loved him. Why was I so insistent on sticking around to ruin her life? She'd moved on, just as I wanted. Only the worst kind of rogue would interfere with a family. Would I prove myself to be so unscrupulous? The sanctity of her marriage would not allow me to offer the lies I'd given Garrett. I had two choices – leave or lie. I reached over and picked up my cell phone and the pass card – I was checking out.

I waited for the phone to ring. I waited for it to happen – I'd made a decision. Alice would surely see me coming home and call to tell me that I should stay. My phone remained silent. Maybe it was the right decision. Maybe she saw leaving as the only one that would ultimately end in happiness. Why wasn't she calling? I flipped my phone open and sure enough – I had service. I press the automatic dial and Alice answered.

"I didn't call because I knew you would." Her voice was a welcome sound to the harsh discussion I'd just had with Garrett the worst.

"And?" I prompted.

"And you're on your own on this one Edward." That wasn't the response I'd expected from her, she was usually much more precise, sympathetic and helpful. I didn't think she was lying to me, but I needed help and things weren't adding up.

"You know what's going to happen don't you?"

"I know that no matter what I tell you, you're not going to believe me."

"How could I not believe you? You're not making sense, just tell me what you've seen." I felt I was at a disadvantage because I wasn't there to share her visions.

"I've seen you -" She paused, searching for the right words, grasping even stuttering.

"Alice?" She was frustrating the situation.

"Well I guess I should just say it, you won't believe me and it's not really clear and I talked with Jasper and Carlisle and they think my vision is unfocused or something . . ."

"Alice, stop babbling and just tell me."

"I saw your eyes a different color . . . um white."

Silence.

Then, I started laughing and soon so was Alice. It was an absurd vision – one I'd have to see for myself. I would find a new food source that would turn my eyes white? Maybe what she actually was seeing was green. Green with envy. How I longed to by Garrett! To be human again.

"You're right. You're not making sense and I don't believe you." I lowered my voice to ask, "Alice can you just tell me the truth?"

"Yes," she paused and waited for my response. I waited for her to continue.

"You'll see for yourself when we're together again," she relented. "I don't see anything but what I've said and for some reason, it doesn't make any sense to me either, there's something fuzzy around it and I can't figure it out."

"Do you see me coming home soon?"

"No."

"Do you see me talking to Bella?"

"Yes."

"Do you see us together?"

"I see your pupils white."

"Come on Alice work with me, don't talk to me about my new diet. I'm at cross roads. She. Is. Married. Has. A. Kid. Will I ruin that? Will she be okay if I see her?"

"You don't have to see the future to answer that question – you have to see the present. Presently, there are too many decisions to be made Edward and too many options. You're going to have to live through this."

Carlisle had made me promise to ask for their advice before I did anything and here I was asking for advice and this is what I got. Nothing. Not one bit of helpful information. Not a smidge of a suggestion. I was used to making my own decisions and I wanted to now, but there was so much uncertainty in my ability to do so. I'd thought all I could and now I needed to make a decision without the benefit of knowing it would be a good decision.

Alice waited for me to finish my thoughts and then asked, "How did it go with Garrett?"

"You know. He wants me to leave them alone."

"And?"

"And I don't think I can until I talk with her. I think that's the only thing . . . ."

"Yeah I know. Hey look, I know you will say no, but if you want me to be with you, I will."

"You're right. You're not making much sense and neither are your visions. Come."

"Be there in ten."

"I should have known you'd already be on your way, who's with you?

"Jasper, Emmett, Rose, Carlisle and Esme."

"Really?"

"Yeah, but they're at the house, we thought it might overwhelm you to have us all in the same small suite, especially with the company you just had and who's coming."

"What do you mean?"

"Bella."

"Oh." So Alice does see us meeting, and although she won't say it, there's a need for the whole family to be near. "Sounds bad."

"I don't think so, it's just that I can't see what's going to happen. Decisions still need to be made, I guess." She trilled.

And just like a bad horror movie, there was a pounding at the door along with yelling: loud, vulgar and threatening screams all being directed at me.

"I'll see you in a few."

"Is Bella here?" I asked, but Alice had already hung up the phone. It was then that I focused on the words being spewed. I was being cussed out, threaten and disparaged all in the thoughts of Jacob Black.

_Open up leech asshole! Bloodsucker always fucking up things. Probably scared to face me. Sorry ass deserter. I should just kill him and end all our misery._ He banged on the door more insistent. I opened the door. Jacob Black stood towering with his head tucked down to his neck, arms ajar at his side, shoulders bent forward and his eyes blazing at me. It would have been a very threatening and intimidating stance had I not been a vampire.

"What?" I shrugged. Apparently, he was just as possessive and protective of Bella as Garrett. My presence was bringing out the caveman in both of them.

"I came to tell you to go crawl back to your coffin and stay the fuck away from Bella!"

"Perhaps you should come in, rather than stand in the hall causing a scene." I remembered an old vampire pearl of reason: Never cause a scene, draw attention to yourself or believe that people are stable.

"I can't handle your stench, I'll stay right here." He snapped his head to the side and gathered some fresh air. _Better. _"You made your decision, you left, you can't come back and just fuck up her life."

"This is none of your business Jacob Black." I decided to treat him as civilly as I had Garrett. There was no need to lie or goad him, unnecessarily. I patronized his ranting and avoided his smell.

"It is my business because I was here when you left. I saw her in the woods broken and the months afterwards. She was a fucking zombie, barely functioning and it took months to get her to start living her life again. There's no way I'm going to allow you to put her through that again." His emphatic defense of her was truly heartfelt, but I considered Alice's vision. I would see Bella.

Those few words of encouragement were enough to make me stick around. It was enough to keep my wits about me. Jacob Black could not control the events about to happen. Even if he could, I wouldn't let him.

"That was years ago and it's none of your business now." In truth it had been years ago, but to me it was just months. Months – my attack had taken years away from life and I hadn't known it. I felt the heat of my anger rise at what was stolen from me.

"It could be decades and I'd still make sure that you'd never have the opportunity to hurt her again," Jacob vowed.

"Well, it really doesn't matter what you say Jacob Black. I'm not leaving until I see her and she tells me to leave. I'm here now."

_Over my dead body will you see her!_

"If that's the way you want it." I answered his unspoken thoughts. He stepped forward and his broad shoulders seemed to get stuck in the doorway. He twisted his right side forward, ducked slightly insuring he didn't hit the frame and entered the room. The door automatically closed behind him.

"Stay the fuck out of my thoughts bloodsucker and out of Bella's life." He was a good half foot taller than me, but I didn't back down. I'd faced worse than a muscled bound, hot tempered puppy.

It was time to explain to Jacob what I'd never tell Bella.

"I'm not sure you understand. I don't have a choice. I left her, but you've got to understand I didn't stay away from her on purpose. I was coming back when I was . . . prevented. My words fell on deaf ears. He didn't care.

_She's surviving, she's making it. _"It's not in her best interest to see you and you know it. You can't offer her what Garrett can – what he's already given her. You need to go before you screw up the rest of her life."

Through Jacob's thoughts I saw Bella with Garrett and Tiger. It was a wonderful family scene and I was defending my right to fuck it up. "I'm not here to mess up her life. I'd never stand in the way of her happiness. I'm not a home wrecker. I saw her a few weeks ago and made the decision not to interfere, but my subconscious had other plans. My actions weren't controlled by me – I find it distasteful that I'm here even now, but there is no other way – I've got to see her, talk to her."

"If you're so disgusted, then take your ashy white ass and go."

"If I leave, I'd only be forced to return again and I can't guarantee the circumstances of my return."

"Bullshit. You can just do what you've done for the last six years – disappear."

"I wasn't totally invisible. I've called her every year on her birthday . . . even when I didn't know I was. It's better to put this to rest now."

"Better for who? Tiger? Bella? Or you?" Jacob and I stood just inside the doorway for what seemed like hours debating the fine points of my leaving and never returning . Had it not been for Alice and Carlisle we probably would have still been standing there. Jacob cringed to the side as they entered my room, closing the door behind them.

"I'm Carlisle Cullen. I knew your grandfather."

"So what." Jacob was visibly shaken. _Three against one, not a fair fight but at least I'll be able to take out the vile deserting leech first._

"So do you wish to start a war over a simple visit? We're not here to kill anyone." Carlisle spoke with calmness and authority.

"He'll destroy her life."

"No he won't. We're only here for a very short time, once he can resolve the issues, my family won't be back here in your lifetime."

I grunted and moved to the far side of the room. What was Carlisle promising? I didn't know if I could agree, especially if Bella . . . I didn't have to be with her but I couldn't be far away. Why would he make such a guarantee? I searched Alice's thoughts and found them unhelpful – she was as surprised by Carlisle's promise as I was.

"Good thing I'm planning on living a very long time." Jacob growled. _In wolf form I can live for all eternity._

It was only when Jacob's thoughts reached me that I understood Carlisle's promise. Jacob was a werewolf, a direct descendent of Ephraim Black and he'd inherited all the rights and authority of chief as well as the ability to transform into a wolf, the mortal enemy of vampires. Carlisle was amending the treaty created with Jacob's grandfather. The treaty allowed us to live in the Forks area as long as we did not go onto Quileute lands or bite a human. Because we didn't drink human blood and found werewolves blood offensive, it was an easy treaty for us to uphold. It was even easier because of Carlisle's natural propensity to abhor violence. The new amendment could mean, we'd never return to the area.

Then I heard Alice's thoughts. _I don't see us coming back ever again. I don't understand how I missed your talk with Jacob, Edward._

I shook my head quickly in response to Alice. I didn't have time to let her know about Jacob being a werewolf. He eyed me and I knew that I was the one who would have to uphold the amendment to the treaty. I stared at Jacob, "I won't of my own free will return here." I vowed.

"Regardless it's not a good idea for you to talk with Bella." Jacob was succumbing to reasoning and the benefits of not having vampires living in Forks. Unfortunately, he was still adamant about keeping Bella away from me.

"It's her choice, besides Garrett doesn't have a problem with it." I countered.

"You better believe he has a problem with it, but he's too proud to admit it. Bella's not going to handle this well and we'll be left to pick up the pieces of your destruction. Leave now." he threatened.

Once again I found myself in a long debate with Jacob, one that seemed to extend beyond the reaches of civility and mediation. Neither of us was going to back down and surrender to the other's wills. There was only one way to resolve the issue and I heard it knocking at what had become a circus door.

In one day, I dealt with more drama and emotions than I'd seen in the last six years. It was almost a relief to know that my emotional roller coaster was coming to the last major climb. Garrett was on the other side of the door. His thoughts were sure that his relationship with Bella was secure and my ride would end in my total despair. There was no avoidance, no getting off the ride. All I could do was enjoy the climb to the top.

Jacob grabbed the knob, turned and pulled the door in and there they stood Garrett and Bella hand in hand. Bella startled at the abruptness of the door opening. My senses were heightened with my scent being the first to respond by inhaling deeply. I ignored the sweet smells of Carlisle and Alice, forced the musty animal smell of Jacob aside and was oblivious to Garrett's. I focused only on the scent of blood that flowed through Bella Swan. The scent hit me like a brick wall, calling me, forcing my ears to hear the sound of her heartbeat, still the most significant sound in my world. The beating was in rhythm with the pulsing of blood through her veins just below her pale, nearly translucent skin. Her thoughts were silent, the accident wasn't gracious enough to allow me insight into her mind.

A gush of air filled her lungs. She was frozen.

I looked at her and forced myself to blink. I felt a breeze pass over me. There was a grumble in my chest and my fingers clawed. My skin felt colder and my throat desiccated. My legs were wood stuck deep into the carpeted floor. My legs bent at the knees as my muscles contracted to move me forward. And just like the brick wall of her aroma hit me, my mouth involuntarily welled with venom. There was a punch at my silent heart. Bella. She was all I saw. Bella was all I breathed. I was captivated by her. Bella.

When I lifted my eyelids from that slight blink of less than a tenth of a millisecond, Carlisle was screaming my name, tightly shaking my shoulders while I was stretched out on the floor. No one else was in the room.

* * *

A/N Sorry for the cliffy. On the good side of things – I've already written the next few chapters so it won't be months and I've overcome the writer's block. On the bad side, my life is exceedingly busy until next month and ff is so fickle. Stick with me, I will finish this story (hopefully by the one year anniversary) and we're half way through.


	11. Reunion

SM owns all things Twilight

* * *

Chapter 11 Reunion

"My Friends" from the Tony Award Musical "Sweeny Todd"

How he smiles in the light.  
My friend.  
My faithful friend...  
Speak to me friend.  
Whisper...  
I'll listen.  
I know, I know you've been locked out of sight all these years, like me  
My friend... well I've come home to find you waiting.  
Home, and we're together! 

"**What do you want me to say?" I asked Garrett, who was driving the rental car.**

"**Say, that you'll go home with me now." I'd already told him I'd leave. But no, he wanted to stay. Let the kid go fishing with his grandfather, leave me to deal with the Edward mess on my own. He wasn't being consistent, but it didn't matter, I'd already made my decision.**

"**You want me to run away and never close this chapter in my life? For the first time in six years I can face him and move on – how can I not take that opportunity? For you? For Tiger?"**

**He didn't say anything as he turned the engine off. I looked up and we were in front of the hotel that Edward was staying in. I glared at Garrett. He wanted me to go in now? Again it wasn't my choice – I was pushed again. Forced. "Let's go Swan!"**

_He opened the door and there stood the body that defined masculinity and the perfect face of an angel. Every warm feeling I'd ever had converged and I was made whole. It was seconds before he said anything. My own tongue was somehow stuck to the roof of my mouth, unable to dislodge itself for even a simple grunt._

"_Seems like you still don't know how to breathe." He said, flashing his heart stopping crooked smile._

_I forced the air through my nose, and turned to look up and down the hall, too dazzled to maintain eye contact. "Maybe you should invite me in." Quickly, he pulled me into his cool, hard embrace and there was nothing more in the world for me. I was where I wanted to be, forever in his arms._

"_Vampires don't have to give invites." He whispered in my ear. The chill of his breathe sent a shiver through me. Our love and desires picked up where they'd left off six years ago, before he left, before I had Garrett and before Tiger. _

I exhaled. I was daydreaming and nothing close to it would happen when I went through Edward's door. There was no happily ever after with Edward. It was time to be the adult, face reality and control my destiny.

"Fine, let's go!" I yelled with as much determination as I could muster. I was finally going to see Edward after all the years, all the pain, and all the anger. The depression. The acquiescence. Finally, closure was at hand and it was a welcomed relief to the cloud over my life and the life of my son. I followed Garrett, more slowly than necessary. He turned as we moved towards the hotel entrance.

"We don't have to do this," Garrett's voice trembled. His blond hair was damp from the misty afternoon air that nearly constantly covered Forks. He nodded toward the car. "We can make it without going up there."

"I don't think I have a choice. This it will always haunt me if I don't see him. I have to get him out of my life and this is the only way it can be done." I reached for Garrett's hand. We walked to the glass entrance to the hotel. The lobby was small with only three sofas across from the check-in counter. A perky older woman with sandy brown hair looked at us through her silver rimmed glasses and asked if we needed assistance.

"No we're visiting a friend, he's expecting us." Garrett answered.

He spoke with such confidence that the clerk could find no cause for concern in his statement. _When had Garrett become such a smooth talker?_ We slumbered pass the clerk and headed for the stairs. Before he opened the door to the staircase, I pulled Garrett's hand, stopping our movement. If Edward was listening he'd know I was here and I didn't want him to have an unfair advantage.

"Garrett, I need to know what Edward wants to talk to me about."

Garrett paused. "He never said. We just talked about you and your life then and now. He didn't really say anything about what he wanted – not really. I think he was saying things to make me angry. He's under the impression that we're married, and I didn't tell him otherwise." Garrett's expression was guarded. He was hiding something.

"Okay. So we don't have to do this if you don't want to. We can leave" I offered.

"The only thing I want to do is marry you. It doesn't matter if it's right now or in six months. Unfortunately, I know that won't happen until," he looked up the stairs. "So we might as well finish this."

He pulled me through the door and we walked up the stairs, hand in hand. I felt like I was in a dream. No - it was more like a movie. Actually, I wasn't sure what it felt like. There was an obvious weirdness, out of body experience that made me anxious. I searched for something that would ground me. As a teen, I was such a romantic and some part of me hadn't changed. My imagination ran away.

_It was my birthday and the beginning of my sophomore year in College. There was no pregnancy because Garrett was the worst kind of jerk. I was meeting Edward for the first time since my eighteenth birthday. Edward's and my eyes met and everything around us faded away. We giggled at the all consuming love and elation of our reunion. We ran away together, vowing to never become separated again. _

As we climbed the second flight of stairs, reality reminded me that I would not have a fairy tale reunion with my first love. This was not going to be an easy autumn afternoon for any of us. My emotions vacillated between fear, elation and relief. I refused to allow my feelings of love for Edward to surface. I had to remember who I was. I could handle this brief reunion, especially if Garrett held my hand.

I looked at the way my hands joined with Garrett's. It was a necessary reminder that Tiger was waiting for me to come home. _Man time was over._ I gazed at Garrett's deep blue eyes and saw his love and devotion for me. I felt the same way too, I reminded myself.

Whatever Edward wanted to say, was irrelevant. I was happy with my son and Garrett and I wasn't trading it for him. It wasn't my goal to hurt Edward's feelings. I planned to graciously accept his apology, if there was one, and offer one of my own.

I practiced my speech: _"I'm sorry Edward, I've moved on, I have no regrets."_ I was prepared to walk away with Garrett by my side and push away all the hurt and love I had for Edward.

Of course, I was a terrible liar and Edward would see right through my words. I only hoped he'd let me leave and ignore my lies as easily as I ignored his all those years ago.

I took a deep breath as Garrett knocked on the door. I could hear mumbled voices, but couldn't make out who was speaking – Edward was not alone. Was it his family? Maybe he'd married and his mate would be with him. If I was lucky, it was housekeeping and I wouldn't have to worry about witnesses to the fateful reunion.

Garrett looked down at me with a smile and squeezed my hand, "You can do this Swan. It'll all turn out fine and then you'll marry me."

I gave him a weak smile in return knowing that it wouldn't be so simple. Nothing with Edward ever was so simple. Our forbidden romance was too complex.

The door pulled away from the frame. Taking up the entire entryway stood Jacob. This was horrible.

It was worse than a surprise birthday party, worse than death. I wasn't going to be able to control anything. It was all planned out for me and there was nothing I could do to change it.

It was ludicrous. Jacob was obviously defending me. First Garrett, now Jacob acted on a supposed right to interfere. I knew they didn't trust me, but this was too much. Whatever they told Edward should be said by me. I was perfectly capable of saying it on my own, without their cowboy antics.

Jacob opened his mouth to speak but immediately closed it when he saw my glare. His lips parted mischievously into a boyish smile.

My temper flared.

"Jacob," I cautioned in my most intimidating 'Charlie' voice. "You have the right to remain silent. And I'm telling you that you better use that right." I wanted to slap that innocent smile off his face. He ditched me back at the festival in order to meet Edward.

I waved Jacob away from me. He cowered away from the entrance so that I could step inside. Just like Garrett, he had no faith in me. I was livid at their assumptions. Somehow, I found strength in my anger. _I got this, _I thought and my eyes panned the room.

To my left, by the television cabinet, stood my pixie-like former best friend. Alice was fidgeting anxiously. She wore a t-shirt with a sparkling designed happy face, a mid-drift black vest and a pair of distressed skinny jeans. She looked absolutely gorgeous even with her silly grin.

I shook my head and was unable to hold my anger because she was so jubilant. I smiled and saw Carlisle come from around Jacob to stand near Alice. He was so calm, like a father letting his children know everything was okay. His lips were slightly upturned and his eyes sparkled. He bobbed his head in greeting. I was older than he was when he turned. His ageless wisdom made him a great father figure.

Then I saw Edward.

Edward.

My poor memory was sorely incapable of recalling the absolute beauty of Edward.

I remembered the places my fingers touched his tousled bronze hair as I kissed his cool lips. I wanted that kiss again.

My hands grasped tightly around Garrett's fingers. I was in a relationship. I looked into Edward's eyes and expected to see love or indifference.

I gasped.

Edward glared at me through deep black murderous eyes. His lips were pulled back from his teeth, his clawed hands raised and he sprang forward with a feral cry. He was determined to kill.

I stepped backward. There were frantic voices, as my feet lifted and my body was tossed around like a ragdoll. _Did he knock me over? _Everything moved so quickly and when I finally caught my bearings, I found myself floating in the air upside down. I watched the ground speed by, first carpeted, then cemented and finally asphalted.

My feet landed on the stony gray parking lot. I realized that I was outside and Alice must have carried me. Alice opened the passenger door to the black Mercedes coupe. I didn't move so Alice lifted me and placed me inside. She speedily hopped in and drove away from the hotel.

I tried to process what happened. Did he try to kill me? Where is Garrett? Is he still chasing me? I couldn't find any answers. I turned to Alice.

"What the hell just happened?" I murmured.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I didn't see that. It's my entire fault. I should have seen it or thought . . . It never occurred to me that he would attack you." Her voice was full of regret and sympathy.

I had received enough pity and I wasn't accepting anymore.

"You mean he was going to attack me?" I screamed. _How dare him lure me into his hotel room, use my loved ones in order to kill me. It doesn't make sense._

"Yes. He was coming after you. It couldn't have been Garrett or Jacob. He'd already seen them. That attack was meant for you. I'm so sorry, Bella." The pity oozed from her tone.

"Edward hasn't been a threat to me since we first met in high school. What's going on?"

"We thought he was better."

"What do you mean?"

"Edward wants to tell you himself. And I think . . ." She paused searching for the future. "Yes, I'm sure. You'll be able to talk to him in about five minutes," Alice assured me.

"What about Garrett and Jacob, are they safe?"

"I'm sure they are. Edward is only a danger to you. Carlisle wouldn't have let him harm anyone."

I was so confused and Alice wasn't giving me the answers I needed. "Why did he do it? Where are you taking me?"

"Edward will tell you. I've got to take you someplace safe, while Carlisle gets Edward home to Michigan. Once they're home, we can return to California. Edward won't come after you, we get him home."

"How do you know he won't come after me again?"

"I don't see him leaving Michigan and besides I will stay with you as long as necessary. He won't be able to get to you, don't worry."

"What about my son? Am I supposed to leave him unprotected or without his mother?"

"I don't see any harm to him. Do you want to go back and get him?"

"Go back?" I hadn't been watching. Holy Crow. We were at the outskirts of Seattle and it had only taken a half an hour. What was going on? I wasn't keeping track of time. My reunion with Edward was a total disaster. I wanted to talk to Garrett.

"Are you okay?" I asked him.

"Swan, I'm fine. Where are you?" He sounded frantic.

"I'm with Alice on the road, we're turning around now. Where are you?"

"I'm with Jacob. You never told me that Edward was a psychopath. Good thing Jacob is so strong. I'm so sorry I ever talked you into seeing him. You would have been killed had you gone alone."

My unlucky stars were dull earlier, but now they were bright and shining and awaiting my demise.

"Is Tiger with you?"

"No. He's still with your dad at the baseball field. You want me to go get them?"

"No. I haven't seen him all day, I'll pick him up. We'll talk when I get back." I sounded more stable than I actually felt. This was too much.

"We're leaving, right?" he begged.

"I don't know. Let me think. He's never been violent before. He was always under control. I'm with his sister now so hopefully I can find some answers to what triggered his actions. Nothing makes sense."

"It makes sense to keep him as far away from us as possible. You sure he's under control?"

"Yes, he's with his father and heading east. I'll call you when I have Tiger."

"Bye. I love you."

"Love you too."

"Okay, Alice I need some answers. What is wrong with Edward?"

"Let me get him on the phone so he can tell you himself."

She picked up her phone and punched her automatic dial slowly. She paused.

"I won't let you do that Edward. We're going to find a solution – it's just a matter of time. Your future remains certain. Remember the promise you made to us."Alice pressed the phone closer to her ear.

"You're right, but you promised to follow our advice as well," she countered. "Bella is confused. You've got to fix this."

She listened to Edward and looked at me with pity.

"Edward? You must talk to her!" After a few seconds, she closed her phone and looked at me. "He's not ready to talk to you. He wanted to destroy himself for trying to kill you."

"He's not going to do that is he?" I asked nervously. I was angry with him but not enough to want him to commit suicide. Neither of us should die.

"No, he won't. Remember how he overreacts to everything?"

"Why didn't he want to talk to me?" I shook away her last questions. I didn't want to remember our past.

"He said he wanted to get settled first, a handle on things. He'll call. For now, we're just going to keep you safe. Do you think it will be okay for Jasper to come stay with us?"

"Tiger will be with us," I replied. It wasn't safe for him.

"Of course, we don't want to put your son in danger, even accidentally."

"He's not clumsy like I am. He's actually very well coordinated, but he's a little boy. I no longer have bad reactions to blood, thanks to my son. Alice you don't have to stay with us, we can stay on the Quileute reservation until he gets to Michigan, we'll be perfectly safe with the werewolves."

"What werewolves?"

"Jacob and his tribesmen are werewolves. They've protected me every time I've been in Forks. First there was Victoria, then Laurentz and now . . ."

"Victoria and Laurentz came after you?"

"Yes, after graduation they killed Victoria. After Tiger was born they killed Laurentz. Both times I was in Forks."

"I don't think I can see around the werewolves," Alice declared. "I saw Victoria decide to attack you, but then I saw you alive and unharmed. I thought Victoria changed her mind. When we left, Edward didn't want me looking into your future, but some things I couldn't block. We're here."

Tiger and Charlie were playing t-ball and it was Tiger's turn at bat. He hit the ball as hard as his little arms could muscle. Charlie slowly ran to the ball but his hands never made purchase. The ball was accidentally kicked out of his reach, which allowed Tiger to make it around the bases for a home run. Tiger celebrated by doing shaking his legs with his hands up in the air. Neither of them saw us watching.

"I need to concentrate for a few moments." Alice announced and closed her eyes. She kept her body very still and almost immediately I could tell she was in a vision.

I sat there and watched my son and father, the two men in my life that I would gladly die for. They made this whole weird, unbelievable situation real. I wouldn't leave them. I wouldn't stay in hiding from Edward. If he wanted me dead, then I'd just have to let him kill me. Honestly, there were days I wished I was dead, especially after he first left. I shook my head at my reckless activities – cliff diving, motorcycles and partying. I did it all to hold on to something that would never be mine.

My choices kept those I loved in danger. There was danger from me not loving enough. There was danger from me loving the wrong things.

I couldn't blame Edward for wanting to kill me. He was the biggest threat to my life. No amount of daredevil antics, self loathing or accidents would ever end my life as quickly as Edward Cullen. And although he'd never physically harmed me, I'd allow him to end the life that should have been mine more completely than if he had killed me.

I'd failed to live to my potential. Shit, I was a mess. This was a mess.

Edward tucked away for the next sixty or seventy years, under the constant watch of his family or me dead.

It wasn't his fault, the way I smelled to him.

It wasn't my fault either.

But fault was irrelevant. What was Alice seeing?

For some reason, the tears streaming down my face pissed me off more than the situation. I was so tired of them, always forcing themselves from my eyes, never staying within and running down my throat quietly.

I hated my birthday! Fucking never wanted to acknowledge another one.

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A/N – I'm still not going to kill off Tiger and Garrett – who knows what the other characters will do though. Also, I'm not quite sure how I'm going to get where we need to go, maybe Carlisle will know.


	12. Miles Apart

Surprise - it's a quick update. Thanks to all who are sticking with me. I will finish this story.

SM owns all things Twilight Saga and I'm just taking them on a different road, for now.

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Chapter 12 Miles Apart

"_I Love You Song" from the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, Tony Award Musical_

_It's true_

_I love you_

_Chimerical_

_C-h-i-m-e-r-i-c-a-l_

_Highly unrealistic,_

_wildly fanciful._

_That is correct._

**I looked at her and forced myself to blink, I felt a breeze pass over me, I heard a grumble in my chest and my fingers clawed. My skin felt colder, my throat desiccated and my legs were wood stuck deep into the carpeted floor only bending at the knees as my muscles contracted to move forward. And just like the brick wall of her aroma hit me, my mouth involuntarily welled with venom and there was a punch at my silent heart. Bella. She was all I saw. Bella was all I breathed. I was captivated by her. Bella. **

**When I lifted my eyelids from that slight blink of less than a tenth of a millisecond, Carlisle was screaming my name, tightly shaking my shoulders while I was stretched out on the floor. No one else was in the room.**

"Edward?" Carlisle was no longer screaming but his voice was soft and reassuring. I felt my head turn from side to side, searching for her scent. What I found was faint, barely there – as if it had been weeks since she'd been in the room.

"Carlisle." I responded and my mind recalled the moments when the door was opened and Bella was at the threshold. And from that moment to this – I cringed in recollection. I knew. It was the same feeling I'd had when I was alone in the house in Michigan, I was unable to identify time or space. It was less than a minute when I didn't exist except as instinct, as unconsciousness, as an automaton.

"What happened?" I begged.

"Let's get you off the floor first." Carlisle pushed upwards, lifting me as he went. When we both were standing, he thought about the minutes that passed. I watched as he showed me what he'd seen happen.

_The door swung open into the room and Jacob blocked the view into the hall. The scene advanced as Carlisle stepped forward to get a better view around Jacob. There standing in the door, heads held high, were Garrett and Bella. They were holding hands. Garrett was slightly forward. He was just barely in front of Bella, not enough to hide her but just enough to keep her within his easy grasp. Bella was wearing a plain t-shirt with jeans and walking shoes, nothing fancy but to me she was dressed finer than a queen. Her chestnut hair was shoulder length and pulled back from her heart shaped face by a brown headband. _

I longed for Carlisle's thoughts to be reality rather than a memory. I also dreaded what was to come. I continued to watch the events unfold, halting all senses and movement.

"_Jacob?" She said as her free hand went to her chest in obvious surprise. Jacob turned sideways as if he were ushering them into the rooms. Bella's head remained forward, as her gaze scanned the room. Alice was smiling and fidgeting, ready to step forward to greet her. Bella's head turned to see Carlisle and continued to move around the room until her eyes met mine. There was no blush on her face – in fact she appeared paler. Her eyes narrowed on seeing me and she gasped, which halted her breathing. There was fear in her eyes._

"_No Edward!" Alice screamed. _

Carlisle's memory focused on the horrible monster that was ready to attack Bella. I recognized myself.

_I was in attack position, eyes black and vacant, my body was in a crouch, my fingers clawed and knuckles whitened. My lips pulled back from my teeth as my muscles released to propel me across the room. Alice whipped out of the opened door and yelled, "I'll get her out of here."_

_As my body flew forward for my attack, Jacob turned and lifted his leg landing his foot into my chest knocking me back across the room and onto the floor. Jacob stood ready for me to get up but Carlisle placed his body against mine, holding me to the ground. My body stiffened and my eyes shut. I was physically and mentally defeated. "I've got him Jacob. He'll be fine. Take Garrett and leave, I'll have Alice call you when she gets Bella somewhere safe."_

"_You should kill him now."_

"_Thank you for your help Jacob. We can handle Edward. He won't be a danger to anyone, especially not Bella."_

"_The next time I see him, I will kill him."_

"_I understand, but a war is unnecessary. We will leave immediately, as soon as you and Garrett are safely away." _

_Jacob huffed and walked out of the door. _

_Carlisle picked up his phone and dialed Jasper. "We need you and Emmett here now."_

"_On our way, is everything okay?"_

"_No. Edward lost control and tried to attack Bella, we've got to leave Forks and return to Michigan. Let Esme know." Carlisle requested._

"_Is Bella okay?"_

"_Yes, Alice is with her and Edward is distraught. He looks like he did when he first returned Michigan."_

I looked at Carlisle, six years older and unchanged but centuries wiser. He was hurting, his face full of despair and failure. _I should have been more careful. We knew your subconscious was beyond obsessed with her, your entire journal filled with her name. The only word you'd speak to any of us. But we didn't know you'd try to attack her. You'd always had such absolute control._

"I'm so sorry, Edward – I should've never allowed you to find her until we understood your injuries."

"How could you have known?" My voice was heavy with my own guilt. How could I have lost control so completely as to allow the masochistic monsterfuck to attack Bella? I loathed myself.

"You're right, but still I was careless. It won't happen again, even if it means I'll have to stay with you every minute for the rest of her life."

"I'm sorry. If I'd listened to Alice six years ago, we wouldn't be here now."She knew that I would be unsuccessful staying away from Bella and that I would return. The accident interfered. No one could have predicted such a devastating accident to a vampire.

"You did what you thought was right at the time and you didn't know. Today was something no one could've predicted but we've got to find out how to correct you and keep Bella safe."

"Well, I won't go near her on my own volition." I remembered the look on her face, pure terror. I felt so ashamed, so unworthy. How could I ever place her in danger again? "Jacob was right, you should just kill me before I hurt the only woman I've ever loved, will ever love."

"We'll keep her safe, Edward. You just need to focus on your getting well." There was a knock at the door. Carlisle opened it and Emmett and Jasper were there. They were both filled with anger at my behavior.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know – I thought I was under control. I'm just glad Jacob was here to kick my butt." I apologized.

There were so many thoughts going through my mind. I couldn't focus on just one thing. My brother's anger, Carlisle's disappointment and Bella's safety were volleying for my attention. Ultimately, I focused on how could I eradicate the monsterfuck? I had controlled it for eighty years. It was time to destroy it.

"Yeah, well that's no excuse, what were you thinking?" Emmett screamed as he advanced towards me. _If you can't control yourself – I'll be happy to show you how._

"Listen, it wasn't Edward's fault – he was unaware of what he was doing, just like when he called her a few days ago." Carlisle stepped in between us to defend me. "I won't let you two fight."

We stood for several seconds while Jasper sent calmness throughout the room. Emmett eased and his thoughts focused on sympathy, "Tough break Bro. What do we do from here?"

"Let's get him back to Michigan now." Carlisle made the decision without a second thought, certain it was the right action.

The return trip to Michigan was uneventful, and there wasn't much conversation between the four of us. During the drive, I spent much of my time on two subjects. First, I had to find a way to control or silence the monsterfuck that was my subconscious. Second, Bella. Neither subject was easier to think about than the other.

I loved Alice for agreeing to stay with Bella, just in case I showed up with the sorry monsterfuck. Alice reported that Bella was upset about the arrangements, but cooperative. She was safe.

I was under constant guard and several states away. Eventually, Jasper agreed to join Alice until my monsterfuck problem was resolved or . . .

I didn't want to think about the 'or.' Her death would be the ultimate freedom for her. Until then, she needed protection from me. Nothing changed since high school Biology Lab when I first smelled her sweet blood. She was destined to die at my hands. Her number was up. I wasn't sure whether she had a future, but Jacob was right, I'd messed up her life pretty royally.

She needed complete safety, not just for herself but for her husband and son as well. Bella would easily sacrifice her life to keep them safe to keep them away from me and my monsterfuck.

It wasn't just Bella that was sacrificing her life for such an unworthy creature as myself. My actions interrupted my family's life. They had already changed their immortal lives for me during the last six years and none of their lives were better. Stagnate. Nearly a decade of nothingness for them.

How could I keep them all from sacrificing more years to watch me? They gave up their lives, moved four times in the last six years and now were separated. I was certain that my life was not worth the sacrifices they'd given and certainly not worth Bella's sacrifice. Death seemed the only answer.

My phone rang and I picked it up noting the caller identification. "Hello Alice."

"I won't let you do that Edward. We're going to find a solution – it's just a matter of time. Your future remains certain, moreover, remember the promise you made to us."

If nothing else, I was a monsterfuck of my word. When I was ready, I would seeking their advice and help to destroy the monsterfuck, regardless if my existence ended as well.

"It's just a matter of time before I will ask your help. You know this. It's better to do it sooner than to waste another minute of Bella's life or my families," I countered.

Alice replied so softly that I was sure Bella remained with her but wouldn't hear. "We won't end you Edward."

"Yes, you will. How is Bella? I'm so sorry"

"She's healthy, as well as can be expected."

"You won't let her stay away from her husband and child, will you?"

"No, they'll be together this evening. Edward she's . . . Never mind, I'll let her tell you when you talk to her."

"Thank you Alice for keeping her safe."

"I love her too Edward."

"What do you mean, 'she'll tell me when she's ready'?"

"She wants to talk to you." My mind tried to digest those six words, six syllables, one sentence. My tongue lay flat on the bottom of my mouth, as I opened it to speak and no words flowed. She wants to talk to me after everything that has happened. It made no sense.

"Edward you still there?" How could she want to talk to me even now, when I most surely would have killed her had Jacob not intervened? Why would she want to talk to a killer? I was the biggest threat to her life, her husband and child. Of course when it came to Bella, she had no sense of self-preservation, but what about her family – she wouldn't have them in harm's way, which means she's probably separated from them. Why didn't I leave when I had the chance?

"Edward?" I knew I'd never see her again, but I'd never imagine she'd want to talk to me. I was elated. I was ashamed.

"Alice, I don't think that would be a good idea."

"You owe her that much."

"Maybe in a couple of days, maybe I can wrap my head around this by then. Bye Alice, I'm truly very sorry about all this."

"I know Edward. I know."

"Please let her know."

"I will."

The line disconnected and I set the phone down on the seat next to me. There was nothing to do but cover my face with my hands.

_We'll figure it out Edward._

"Thank you Carlisle." I mumbled.

When we arrived home Carlisle and I talked extensively about the events that happened in Forks. We searched for answers as to why I attacked Bella. It was my love for her that healed me. Were my actions automatic, like putting your arm in the right sleeve first? We dismissed the possibility, citing the fact that I did not drink human blood. Even during the years of healing, I never hunted humans. My eyes never turned red.

I researched subconscious behavior, everything from sleep walking to out of body experiences. There was a myriad of information on how to increase these psychic abilities but nothing on how to rid them, with the exception of sleep walking. Before I tried any of the improbable solutions, I talked with Carlisle.

"There are three methods to rid people of sleep walking, the most common is maturity – which won't work for me. The other two are meditation and setting a routine."

"Edward it seems like you're grasping at straws. Perhaps you need to actually focus on the myths behind these psychic abilities. How did people develop psychic ability? What prevents spiderman from using his web or batman from using his powers?"

"You mean like figure out my kryptonite?"

"Exactly. From the ancient writings I've studied, a vampire has never lost their talent, unless another more talented vampire were able to prevent them from acting."

"Like Jane's power overwhelming all senses and thoughts making the vampire believe they are in pain, when in fact it's just a forced thought from Jane. A talented vampire would be unable to use their powers when Jane uses hers."

"So if we were able to find a vampire with a talent to permanently overwhelm your subconscious then you'd be cured," Carlisle theorized.

"It would mean a trip to some of the most powerful vampire covens in the world. We may never find anyone with the ability to help me."

"Actually, I've already contacted many covens and there are two possible vampires. One works on the physical body and can make changes to it, although he's only made temporary changes to vampires. The other controls thoughts in the mind and she will be here in a few days."

My hopes lifted enough to end my desire to kill the monsterfuck. I prepared a meditation disc to help me relax. It played every minute.

I seriously doubted anyone could control the monsterfuck, but I was willing to try Carlisle's suggestion. I considered a plan to release the monsterfuck, careful not to make any decision. Alice watched my future and I needed time. While in the midst of a relaxation treatment, I heard the thoughts of someone at my door. _I'm sorry._

* * *

AN - I do believe in HEA, I do believe. I do. I do. I do.

Thanks so much for all the reviews and alerts. It means so much to me. I'm really shy at responding and FFN is totally inconvenient to respond. If you actually want a response I have a small twitter account. I'm not sure if I have the twit thing figured out, but it seems easier to reply. My account is 50bestfriends.

Next up is Bella ... When? Um, soon Amiga.


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